


The Way I Loved You

by darthswift13



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Infidelity, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Getting Back Together, Love Triangles, Non-Linear Narrative, References to Emotional Abuse, Time Skips, referenced cheating except not really (see notes for explanation)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:28:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthswift13/pseuds/darthswift13
Summary: If she had any sense at all, she would throw the letter in the garbage. It’s her wedding day, and she’s getting married to the man of her dreams. Whatever Ben Solo has to say shouldn’t matter. She shouldn’t evencarewhat he has to say. She should’ve already chucked the letter out and laughed about it.But eventually, curiosity gets the better of her, and she snatches the letter off the desk and rips it open in a nervous flurry.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 131
Kudos: 444





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on [this prompt](https://twitter.com/AntoLiv1/status/1245292401448665089) by [@AntiLiv1](https://twitter.com/AntoLiv1) on Twitter and the song "The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift!
> 
> Thank you to [Lena](https://twitter.com/bensoloswhore) for the gorgeous mood board  
> 
> 
> Please be sure to leave kudos and comments if you like this story!
> 
> Regarding the tags: The emotional infidelity tag is in reference to the fact that Rey starts talking to Ben again while she and Poe are still together. There are also a few references to Snoke being emotionally abusive to Ben, including a specific reference to something Snoke says to Ben in Chapter Six.
> 
> Also, regarding the referenced cheating tag: Ben and Rey never officially became an actual couple when they were seeing each other in college so they were allowed to see other people which means what happens in flashbacks wasn't really cheating, but it is just something to be aware of.

**Prologue**

“So, this is it, then? You’re going back to the States in the morning?” Rey asks, sitting on the edge of Ben’s bed, wrapped up in one of his blankets as she watches him zip up his suitcase. 

“Yes,” Ben says quietly, and his dark eyes are tinged with pain as he turns to meet her gaze. “Unless — unless I have a reason to stay?” he asks hesitantly, looking at her with an expression that is at once anguished and hopeful. 

_Yes, of course you have a reason to stay. Stay here. Live with me. I love you, I love you, I love you._ But the words she has been dying to say to him for months remain stuck at the back of her throat. 

She never planned to fall for him. She didn’t expect him to make her come alive in a way no one else ever had. She never imagined he would call her _sweetheart_ or kiss her so perfectly it stole the air from her lungs and made her world stop every time. She _certainly_ didn’t expect him to make her feel safe enough to open up about her painful childhood, nor did she expect him to make her feel so _seen_ and understood and cared about for the first time in her life. 

They _hated_ each other when they first met, and as a Cantibrigian she never imagined she would fall for an _Oxford_ man. And they fight and break up _constantly_ — which is mostly her fault because she’s so fucking scared to get close to people that she desperately tries to push him away at every turn, but still. It was never going to last. They both knew he was going home eventually when they started seeing each other. It was never meant to be anything serious.

And she _knows_ that, but the truth is, she loves him more than she can bear, and it _scares_ her. And that’s exactly why she needs to let him go; he’ll end up leaving one way or another anyway. People always leave. Better to just get it over with now. 

So instead she says, “What do you mean, Ben?”

And she hates herself for it.

He sighs.

“Nevermind,” he says quietly, and he zips up his suitcase before sitting down beside Rey on the edge of his bed. 

“I, um,” she stands up suddenly, letting the blanket she was wrapped up in fall to the floor as she starts scrambling to find her clothes, and she hurriedly pulls on her jeans once she finds them. “I should get going, then.”

“You — you won’t stay with me one more night?” he asks, and the way his voice cracks breaks her heart. 

_Yes, of course I’ll stay with you one more night, I’ll stay with you forever, Ben, please don’t go_.

“What difference does it make if I stay one more night, Ben?” she asks instead, facing away from him as she pulls her shirt over her head. “You’re still leaving in the morning anyway. We’ve always known you were going to go back to the States eventually anyway. No need to make a big deal out of it.”

“Right,” he says quietly, and she can hear him fighting back tears. “So, is this it, then? We’re over?”

“There was barely any _we_ to begin with, Ben, and you know that,” she says as she slides on her ballet flats and pulls her hair into a ponytail, still facing away from him. She can’t bear to look at him. She knows it will break her heart even more. “So, yes, we’re over,” she says as she crouches down to pick up her backpack before sliding it onto her shoulder. 

“Good-bye, Ben,” she says softly, staring at the floor as she speaks, and she hopes he doesn’t hear her quiet sniff as tears start to pool in her eyes while she starts walking toward the door.

“Rey, please,” she hears him saying, and he reaches out and tugs at her elbow. Rey forcefully pulls away from him without turning around. 

“Ben. _Don’t,”_ she mutters through gritted teeth, and now tears are freely flowing down her cheeks.

“Okay. I’m sorry,” he says, his voice so quiet it’s nearly inaudible, and the way she’s wounded him is so _palpable_ it cuts through her chest like a knife.

She has never hated herself more. 

And then, without another word, Rey walks out of his bedroom, through his living room, and out the door, knowing she’s just made the biggest mistake of her life, but still unable to will herself to turn around and undo it. 

***

**5 YEARS LATER**

***

Rey’s eyes flutter open when she hears Kaydel’s voice snapping her out of her precious slumber.

“Gooooood morning, future Mrs. Dameron!” her roommate exclaims in a voice that is _far_ too chipper for this early hour.

“ _Kaydel_ ,” Rey groans, pulling her pillow on top of her head, “What time is it?”

“It is eight a.m., and it’s time for _you_ to get up because we have LOTS of work to do before the ceremony!” Kaydel informs her as she pulls the pillow off Rey’s face, eliciting another frustrated groan from Rey. “I have coffee already made. Up and at ‘em, Rey! God, I’m _so_ fucking excited.”

And despite her sleepiness, Rey is excited, too. Poe is the man of her dreams, and though they’ve only been together for a year, she knows he will be the perfect husband. He’s charming and kind and handsome and her friends all love him, and she couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend. Sure, they bicker a lot, but that’s normal for couples, right? At least they don’t fight as badly as she did with her ex. _That_ relationship was a _mess_ , and she’s grateful to have found something more healthy and stable with Poe.

The thought brings a smile to her face, and she finally wills herself to get out of bed.

***

Rey leaves before Kaydel because she has an early hair and makeup appointment. Kaydel and Rose—her maid of honor— have their appointment immediately after hers, but her appointment ended 20 minutes ago and neither of them are anywhere to be found, so she’s starting to get concerned. 

Just as this thought passes through her mind, Kaydel bursts into the salon, the bell on the door jingling loudly. 

“Rey!” she exclaims, slightly out of breath. “I’m so sorry I’m late,” she says. “I was — you got a letter this morning. And I was trying to decide if I should give it to you or not.”

“Kay, if I have a letter, why wouldn’t you just give it to me?” Rey snaps, a hint of irritation in her voice.

“Rey,” Kaydel says firmly, looking Rey directly in the eyes, “It’s from Ben Solo.” 

Rey’s breath catches in her throat. 

“Kay — are — are you sure it’s from him?” she asks, her voice small and breathless.

“I mean, I don’t know how many Benjamin Organa-Solo’s you know, but that’s the name on the return address,” Kay quips.

“Oh,” Rey manages, trying to steady her breathing, “Right.”

“I just, seeing as it’s your wedding day, and seeing as we hate him, I wasn’t sure if you wa—”

“Kaydel, _please give me the letter,_ ” Rey says, trying to keep her voice calm despite her heartbeat drumming in her ears. 

“ _Jeez_ , fine,” Kaydel mutters as she hands the letter to her. “So, are you going to open it?” she asks a bit too eagerly. Kaydel _lives_ for drama, and while Rey adores Kay, reading this letter is something she would prefer to do without an audience.

“I’ll read it later,” Rey says as she shoves the letter in the pocket of her jeans. “I need to go put my dress on. Text me when Rose arrives, okay?” 

“Sure thing,” Kaydel says, nodding, “And let me know what the letter says!”

“I will,” Rey tells her, although she’s not sure she means it.

***

Rey makes her way back to her room in the hotel where the ceremony is being held and sets the letter on the desk. She spends at least 30 minutes pacing the room, debating whether or not she should open it. 

If she had any sense at all, she would throw the letter in the garbage. It’s her _wedding day,_ and she’s getting married to the man of her dreams. Whatever _Ben Solo_ has to say shouldn’t matter. She shouldn’t even _care_ what he has to say. She should’ve already chucked the letter out and laughed about it. 

But eventually, curiosity gets the better of her, and she snatches the letter off the desk and rips it open in a nervous flurry.

_Fuck_. 

It’s written in calligraphy, just like all the notes he used to send her back when they were at university; all the desperate apologies, all the pleas to take him back every time she pushed him away. And seeing his perfect, elegant calligraphic script brings back a flood of memories, and suddenly she’s twenty years old again and head-over-heels for an Oxford postgraduate. 

> _My Dearest Rey,_
> 
> _I know the timing of this letter couldn’t be worse. There’s so much I need to say to you that I should’ve said years ago. So much I should’ve said that night when you left. I should never have let you go, Rey, and I’ve hated myself for letting you walk out my door every minute of every day ever since because you are the love of my life, Rey, and losing you is the worst thing that has ever happened to me._
> 
> _I didn’t even realize that I was still friends with Kaydel on Facebook_ _— I barely use it anyway, but I stumbled on her post about your wedding. And I know I should’ve said something a long time ago. I shouldn’t have waited five years, I shouldn’t have waited for you to be about to marry another man before I said something._
> 
> _I’m not writing this to get you to try to get you to leave your fiancé, I just needed you to know how I feel, and I wanted to see if there was any chance you might still feel the same way. But if you do really love your fiancé and he makes you happy, then I wouldn’t dream of getting in the way. All I want is for you to be happy, Rey._
> 
> _You lit up my world the first night I laid eyes on you. I remember you were utterly mortified that someone from_ _what you Cantabrigians call “The Other School” would have the audacity to even speak to you. You hated me almost immediately, and I fell in love with you right away. I’d never met someone so passionate and confident and brave and strong and fearless and utterly beguiling as you, Rey. You made my world stop, and I’ve never been the same._
> 
> _I still think about the way your lavender shampoo smelled and the way your hair looked all adorably mussed up when you first woke up in the morning. The way you scrunch up your nose when you laugh. Your freckles. The warmth and ferocity in your beautiful hazel eyes. The way you always challenged me. The way no one else has ever made me feel anything remotely like what I felt — and still feel, and will always feel— for you._
> 
> _I wish you every happiness in your marriage, Rey, and I hope he treats you as well as you deserve to be treated. I know I wasn’t always a perfect boyfriend, but I always loved you and I always will._
> 
> _But if, somehow, miraculously, there is any chance you might still feel the same way about me, I will be in London for a bit because my mom is being honored at this celebration of women’s leadership conference. I don’t have international data but you can message me on Facebook._
> 
> _Again, though, I want to reiterate that if you’re truly happy in your relationship, I have no intention of interfering. But I just couldn’t live with myself if I never told you how I truly feel, if I never told you what I’ve been dying to say from the moment I met you._
> 
> _I love you so much, Rey, and I always will._
> 
> _Forever Yours,_
> 
> _Ben_

Just as Rey reads the last sentence, Rose suddenly bursts in, looking lovely as ever in her light blue taffeta bridesmaid gown, her hair in a beautifully elaborate up-do sprinkled with little forget-me-nots.

“Rey, is...is everything alright?” Rose asks, hesitantly approaching her friend. 

Rey looks up, eyes widening in panic, and she immediately shoves her hands behind her back, crumpling up the letter in a nervous panic and shoving it in the back pocket of her jeans. 

“Nothing,” she sniffs, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “Nothing, everything’s—everything’s great,” Rey tries to assure her, flashing a fake smile.

“Rey, are you — are you crying?”

“Oh, erm, yes, I’m just—I’m just so overwhelmed with joy that the day is finally here and Poe is finally going to be my husb—” the word gets stuck in her throat, like it’s unnatural for her to say, “—my husband,” she finally manages, flashing another fake grin. 

Rose tilts her head, her brows furrowing in concern.

“Are you sure that’s all, Rey?” she asks.

“Of course _—_ this _—_ this is the happiest day of my life, Rose,” Rey attempts to assure her. 

Rose smiles. “I’m so happy for you, Rey, Poe is wonderful and you both deserve all the happiness in the world,” she tells her. “And _you_ need to be getting into your dress!”

“Oh, right,” Rey manages, still attempting to fight back tears.

_You love Poe and this is the happiest day of your life. This is all you’ve ever wanted. Who cares if Ben Solo still has feelings for you, you’re completely over him,_ she keeps reminding herself.

Rose gingerly picks up Rey’s dress from where it is resting on the bed and hands it to Rey.

“Thanks,” Rey says, her voice sounding hollow.

“Go put it on and then I’ll help you with the buttons and zippers and everything,” Rose tells her.

Rey excuses herself to the bathroom where she slowly takes off her jeans and t-shirt and steps into her wedding gown. It’s an extremely elaborate mermaid style dress, a taffeta and tulle and lace confection with an absurdly long train. It’s not exactly her taste, but both Kaydel and Poe’s mother had both insisted it was “to _die for_ ”, and there weren’t any other dresses that really caught her eye, so she just went with it.

When most of the dress is on, she awkwardly stumbles back into the hotel room, trying to hold up the dress and avoid tripping on the train.

“Careful!” Rose exclaims. She scurries over and begins busying herself with the elaborate buttons and hooks on the dress. It occurs to Rey that whoever designed this dress was _clearly_ not thinking about what happens _after_ a wedding, and she’s already annoyed at what a struggle it’s going to be for Poe to take it off. 

_"There_ ,” Rose says after what feels like an eternity. Rey can scarcely breathe in the gown, and she’s already dreading the hours she’s going to have to spend suffocating in it.

“Oh my god, you look _so_ beautiful, Rey,” Rose tells her, tears welling in her eyes as she smooths out Rey’s hair. 

  
Rey turns to look in the mirror, and she doesn’t recognize herself. Her dramatic makeup, heavy false eyelashes and hair extensions make her look like a different person entirely, and while the dress _is_ beautiful, it feels like she’s borrowed something of Kaydel’s. She doesn’t feel like herself at all, but then, aren’t you supposed to get all dressed up and look different on your wedding day? It’s a special occasion, after all.

“Are you ready to go downstairs?” Rose asks as she smooths out Rey’s train again.

Rey nods tentatively. 

“Yes,” she lies.

***

The hotel ballroom that the ceremony is being held in is ornate, with gold ceilings and glittering chandeliers reflecting off the light wood floors, billowing displays of white hydrangeas, and gilded gold columns on all four columns of the room. There's a string quartet playing classical music, and it's also absolutely _packed_ with people all dressed up in their finery. They’re all from Poe’s extended family, and Rey doesn’t even recognize most of them. 

This luxurious hotel _definitely_ wasn’t her first choice for a venue _—_ in fact, she had wanted to get married outside, but Poe’s family insisted on the hotel ballroom. The whole thing feels very ornate and over-the-top, and it overwhelms her. She had known it would be like this, of course; she was involved in planning and attended the rehearsal dinner, but somehow being here as it’s actually happening, it’s dawning on her how it all just feels like... _too much._

She feels very strange suddenly, like everything that’s happening isn’t quite real, like she’s somehow outside of herself watching everything like a movie.

 _This is your wedding day,_ she reminds herself, _this is the happiest day of your life. You’re surrounded by friends and family and you’re about to marry the man of your dreams. This is all you’ve ever wanted._

But as the string quartet strikes up the wedding march, she just feels hollow, clutching onto her forget-me-not and hydrangea bouquet like it’s the only thing anchoring her to this empty moment. Kaydel and Rose are already standing by the officiant on the left, with Poe and his best man, Finn, standing on the opposite side.

Everything is exactly how it should be. 

Except.

_Except_.

There was one thing missing. 

One _person_ missing.

And God, she curses herself for the thought because she _loves_ Poe. He has been the perfect boyfriend, the perfect fiancé. He always calls first, he’s always on time, he always says the right thing. When they do fight, it’s meaningless squabbles, nothing like how she used to fight with Ben. She _hated_ Ben at first, but they had the sort of fights that led to angry, passionate kisses. When she fights with Poe she’s just sort of...vaguely annoyed; there’s no fire, no passion, no _spark._

_These are not the kinds of thoughts you should be having on your bloody wedding day,_ she thinks, scolding herself. 

She’s reached the end of the aisle, but when she looks up, she doesn’t see Poe. 

She sees _Ben_ , handsome as ever in a bow-tie and tailored tuxedo, and he’s _beaming_ at her the way he always used to, with those crinkles around his warm brown eyes and his slightly crooked teeth, gazing at her like she’s his whole world. 

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck._

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and when she opens them, it’s Poe again, her handsome, adoring Poe, smiling warmly at her. 

But she feels completely distant as Poe recites his vows, offering only small, nervous smiles and nods.

And then it’s her turn.

Her mouth feels dry and she feels like she has forgotten how to form words.

So she doesn’t form any words at all. She just stands there with her mouth open, looking like an idiot.

  
“ _Rey,_ ” Poe mutters under his breath in an attempt to get her attention.

“Right, right, sorry can you, um, can you repeat that?” Rey asks, turning to the officiant, and she immediately realizes it was an incredibly stupid thing to say as she hears guests starting to clear their throats in annoyance at her embarrassing behavior.

The officiant sighs.

“Do you, Rey Johnson, take Poe Dameron to be your lawfully wedded husband?” he repeats dully.

And again, Rey’s mouth feels dry, and she forgets how to think, how to form words.

_Just say ‘I do’, you idiot,_ she thinks.

But she doesn’t. Instead, she turns to Poe and whispers, “I can’t do this. I am so, so, sorry.”

Poe’s face is at once incredulous, confused, and concerned.

“Rey _...”_ he murmurs, brows furrowing in concern as his tear-tinged eyes search her face, trying to make sense of what is happening.

But before he can say anything, she drops her bouquet, hikes up her dress, and runs all the way out of the ballroom as tears pour from her eyes, leaving shocked gasps and tuts in her wake.

  
  
  



	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is out of breath by the time she gets out of the ballroom, and she realizes she has absolutely no plan. The only thing she knows is she has to get out of here. _Fast._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to the amazing [ Lena](https://twitter.com/bensoloswhore) for this chapter's gorgeous mood board <3
> 
> And thank you so much for your kind words about the first chapter of this fic, I'm so thrilled that so many people are enjoying this story. I appreciate each and every comment and kudos so very much. You guys are the best.
> 
> Also, just something to note, Rey does something at the end of this chapter that could possibly be read as emotional cheating. Her relationship with Poe is now undefined, so it's kind of a murky grey area in terms of what's okay, but going forward things will continue to be a kind of questionable in terms of what counts as cheating and what is and isn't okay when you're in an "on a break" type situation. Just something to be aware of going forward! Please also note that there is a reference to someone cheating in their past relationship in this chapter.
> 
> Also, content warning for alcohol in this chapter. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this next installment, and please be sure to leave kudos and comments if you like this story!

Rey is out of breath by the time she gets out of the ballroom, and she realizes she has absolutely no plan. The only thing she knows is she has to get out of here. _Fast._

She makes a beeline for the elevator, only tripping once, trying to ignore the hotel staff and guests who are just openly gaping at her.

Rey had many hopes and dreams for her life, but becoming a runaway bride was never one of them. But here she is, stumbling her way onto the elevator in her ridiculous dress and high heels, her mascara streaming black streaks down her cheeks as she cries her eyes out, one of her false eyelashes already halfway unglued from her eyelid, dangling haphazardly.

She’s certain she must look absolutely insane. 

The elevator dings when she gets to the floor her room is on. She retrieves her key card from where she’s stashed it in her bra and opens the door.

She sees that the hotel staff has already taken the liberty of properly setting up their honeymoon suite, with red rose petals spread across the bed encircling a bucket of champagne, and there’s candles strewn about everywhere, ready to be lit.

There’s an ache in her chest as the enormity of what she’s done washes over her. Did she really just throw away her relationship with someone she _loves_ , someone who has never wronged her, someone who she has worked to build a loving partnership with, over a letter from her university boyfriend who she constantly fought and broke up with? 

But then, there’s a part of her, an _awful_ , contemptible part of her that wonders if she would have done it anyway, letter or no letter. She wonders if the letter had just given her an excuse for something she’s been terrified to admit to herself all along.

Her feelings for Ben had scared her so much because they were so potent, so raw, so _real._ She has never felt anything like that for anyone else, Poe included. She knew Ben had the power to break her heart in a thousand pieces, and that’s why she left before he had the chance to do it.

Her relationship with Poe feels comfortable. Safe. There’s no risk because if she lost him, her world wouldn’t fall apart. He checks off all the boxes for being the perfect partner, but there’s always been one fundamental ingredient missing in their relationship: _passion_. 

And it’s not that Ben didn’t make her feel safe; she’s never felt safer or more cherished or more adored than she did when she was in his arms. The difference is that there was so much more _risk_ involved when she felt that strongly for someone. She had so much more to lose. And she’s already had too many losses in her life. She can’t risk being all alone again.

Which is why she’s starting to think running away from the altar might have been a huge mistake.

But there’s no time to mull over that now. She doesn’t want anyone to come looking for her. So she somehow manages to get herself out of the gown, but she ends up ripping it in the process, and she feels terribly guilty after how much money Poe’s mother spent on it. She feels horribly, disgustingly guilty about _everything_ right now. 

She manages to put her jeans and t-shirt back on, and she hurriedly finds her phone and requests an Uber. She slings her purse over her shoulder but just as she’s about to leave, an idea occurs to her.

She snatches the champagne out of the bucket. She’s going to need it.

***

She’s sitting on the floor swigging the champagne straight out of the bottle and sobbing along to a Taylor Swift song when she hears a knock on her bedroom door.

“Go awaaaaaay,” she groans.

“Rey, sweetie, it’s us,” she hears Rose saying.

“Rey, please, we’re not here to judge you, we just want to make sure you’re okay,” she hears Kaydel chiming in. 

Rey groans again.

“The door isn’t locked, just come in,” she says finally with a sigh. 

When they open the door, Kaydel and Rose have expressions of concern and pity on their faces that make her want to die even more than she already does. She doesn’t want to be pitied. And seeing them still all dressed up in their light blue bridesmaid dresses serves as a crushing reminder that she just _ran away from her fucking wedding._

“Oh, honey,” Rose says quietly, and they both sit down on either side of her. Rey lets her head land on Rose’s shoulder, and she starts to sob in earnest while Rose murmurs words of support and strokes her hair as Kaydel gently rubs her back.

Eventually, Rey sits up and wipes her eyes, ripping off what’s left of her false eyelashes and chucking them onto the floor. 

“Guys, I fucked up,” she manages when she’s able to form words again. “I just panicked. I got scared. I ran away, like I always fucking do.”

She feels Kaydel squeeze her hand. 

“What do I even say to him? How do you come back from _leaving someone at the fucking altar_ ? Poe is always so understanding of me and the stupid shit I do sometimes, but _this_ ? How can I _possibly_ expect him to forgive me?”

Rose puts a hand on Rey’s shoulder.

  
“You just have to talk to him. He’s not mad, he’s just worried. He just wants to know you’re okay,” Rose says gently.

“I mean, he is a _little_ pissed—” Kaydel interjects.

“ _Not helping, Kaydel_ ,” Rose hisses through gritted teeth

Kaydel shrugs. “I’m just being honest.” She sighs, “But even so, Rey, he loves you so much. Rose is right, you just have to talk to him.”

“I haven’t told you everything, though,” Rey says, her voice so small it’s barely audible. “I—” she sighs. It’ll be easier to just show them than it will be to explain. She fishes the crumpled up note out of her back pocket. 

Kaydel’s eyes widen. “Is that the note from...?”

“Yes,” Rey mumbles, staring at the floor.

“Wait, I’m lost,” Rose chimes in, “The letter from who?”

“ _Ben Solo_ sent Rey a letter,” Kaydel says, a hint of glee in her voice and a devilish glint in her eye.

“NO WAY!” Rose exclaims, reaching for the letter, “Let me see!”

Kaydel leans forward so they can both look at the letter while Rey buries her face in her hands, bracing herself for their reaction.

“Rey...” she hears Rose start to say.

  
“Oh my God,” Kaydel starts, “ _OH MY GOD_ — Wait, wait, wait, hold up.”

Rey hesitantly looks up with a sheepish look on her face, “Yeah, I uh...may or may not have lied about the circumstances of our breakup.”

“YA THINK?!” Kaydel snaps, “Rey, we’ve spent all these years thinking _he dumped you,_ and we’re just now finding out _you’re_ the one who broke up with _him_?”

“Kaydel, _jeez_ , don’t yell at her, she’s going through enough,” Rose chides.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m not mad, I’m just...shocked, is all,” Kaydel admits. “Does this mean you were the one who kept dumping him throughout your relationship and not the other way around?”

“I think you know the answer to that,” Rey mutters.

“I mean, that tracks,” Kaydel admits.

“ _Kaydel_ ,” Rose hisses.

“I mean, am I wrong?” Kaydel says with a shrug.

“You’re not wrong,” Rey mutters. 

“But what about that whole thing with him and — what was her name? Bazine? Rey is hardly the one to blame there,” Rose points out.

Rey sighs. “Well...that was... complicated. I don’t know. Just...read the rest of it,” she says before burying her face in her hands again. 

“Oh, Rey...” she hears Rose saying quietly.

Rey looks up again, the same sheepish expression still plastered to her face.

“Is this—is this why you left Poe at the altar?” Kaydel asks.

“No — I mean, yes — I mean...maybe?” Rey manages abashedly. She sighs. “I don’t know, it’s — it’s complicated.”

“Well, do you still have feelings for Ben, Rey?” Rose asks gently. 

Rey groans. “I don’t _know_ ,” she snaps, before hiding her face in her hands again.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Rose says gently, rubbing Rey’s back. “It’s a lot to take in.”

“Frankly, I think it was a little rude of him to drop this bomb on her on the morning of her fucking wedding,” Kaydel mutters. 

“Oh, don’t pretend you don’t love the drama of it all,” Rey says, the hint of a smile tugging at her lips as she rolls her eyes.

“I absolutely do, but I am Team Rey always and I just think it was a little inconsiderate of him, that’s all,” Kaydel says with a shrug.

“It _is_ rather romantic, though,” Rose admits, “It’s very _Speak Now.”_

Rey sighs, but this time she sounds more content than forlorn.

“Yeah,” she says softly, “It is.”

**_Five Years Earlier_ **

Ben had been begging to take her out on a “proper” date for _ages_ , and she finally caved, mostly because she was sick of him nagging her about it. He showed up at her flat 10 minutes past the time he promised to arrive, as usual. 

But it was easy to forgive him once she saw he was carrying a big bouquet of sunflowers.

“Sorry I’m late, sweetheart,” he said, as if he wasn't already forgiven. As if he wasn’t _always_ already forgiven, especially when he showed up looking so _stupid handsome_ in a white button down shirt, a gray blazer and jeans; it was such a simple outfit, but somehow he made it look _so_ devastatingly handsome, _especially_ when he smiled at her in that way he always did, taking her breath away. “I was trying to find sunflowers for you; I know they’re your favorite.”

And Rey couldn’t help the grin that peeked across her face.

“Benjamin Solo,” she murmured as she gingerly brushed his hair out of his face. He closed his eyes, relishing in her gentle touch. “What am I going to do with you?”  
  


“Well, I was hoping you might let me take you out on a date,” he said slyly.

Rey giggled. “Mmm, well, since you’ve brought me sunflowers, I think I’ll allow it,” she replied teasingly, before pushing herself up on her tip-toes to kiss him, and as soon as his lips were on hers, she suddenly had _zero_ interest in going anywhere but her bedroom, but she knew he was going to insist on taking her to dinner no matter what. 

***

There was a chill in the early autumn air after dinner, crickets singing gently against the backdrop of a cloudless star-filled night. Rey’s dress had short sleeves, and the moment he saw her shivering, Ben slid off his jacket and gingerly placed it on her shoulders. Her chest flooded with warmth at the gesture. And when he took her hand and laced his fingers with her own, she realized with a surge of panic that she was _falling in love_ with him, and that’s exactly why she wanted to avoid having him take her on a real date in the first place. This was supposed to have been just one regrettable drunken hook-up after a trivia night at the pub. She didn’t plan on falling for him. She had an engineering degree to focus on. She never planned on a relationship. 

She never planned on _Ben Solo._

_**PRESENT DAY** _

“So, where do I go from here?” Rey asks. 

“Well, no matter what you end up deciding, you should talk to Poe about it — I mean, you left the poor guy at the altar, so you owe him that much,” Rose points out. “Maybe you could sleep on it, but text him first and tell him you can talk in the morning so he knows you’re not ignoring him?”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Kaydel chimes in. “But I think you should take a shower first and wash off all that makeup so you don’t wake up with zits, babe.”

Rey chuckles. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

Rose plants a kiss on Rey’s forehead. “Hang in there, Rey,” she says with a smile. 

“We love you and we’re here for you,” Kaydel adds, giving Rey’s hand a gentle squeeze.

***

Rey knows she should listen to her friends’ advice. It is very good advice. Very sound, _logical_ advice.

But Rey’s mind is neither sound nor logical right now.

That’s why she has Ben’s Facebook page pulled up on her laptop, which she’s currently balancing on her knee, while her phone is resting in her right hand with Poe’s contact pulled up.

_Do the right thing. Stay with Poe. Choose the safe option. Don’t risk being alone_ , part of her is saying. _Follow your heart, take the risk, message Ben,_ another part of her clamors.

Her eyes dart back and forth between her laptop and her phone. She has her message to Ben typed up, but she can’t will herself to press send. She has her message to Poe typed up as well, but she can’t bring herself to press send on that message either.

So she does something incredibly stupid.

She presses send on both messages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Speak Now](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wUPASp2hfY)
> 
> Come say hi to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/darthswift13)!


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s like—these past 5 years, with you away, it’s been like — like all the letters of my life were scrambled into an anagram, and I haven’t been able to put the letters in order and make sense of anything until the moment you walked into this coffee shop.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves, thank you again for the amazing response to this fic. I’m so glad you’re enjoying reading this story as much as I’m enjoying writing it.
> 
> Please note I’ve adjusted the tags to reflect the direction the story is going to take — as I mentioned in the previous update, when I started this fic I wasn’t sure exactly how things were going to go after Rey left Poe at the altar, but just be aware that going forward, Rey will start to be emotionally involved with Ben while she and Poe aren’t technically broken up. There will also be references to what could be seen as infidelity in their previous relationship, although Ben and Rey were not in a serious/committed relationship at the time, so what happens isn't technically cheating, but again, I want to provide the warning to be safe. 
> 
> As I continue to flesh out this story, I will make sure to update any tags as needed, and if for some reason I overlook something that should be tagged, please let me know!
> 
> Additional note: Ben says something to Rey in this chapter that is based on this excerpt from _The Beatrice Letters_ by Lemony Snicket that [AntoLiv](https://twitter.com/AntoLiv1), the person who created the prompt for this fic, posted as a [ moodboard/prompt ](https://twitter.com/AntoLiv1/status/1246443662852214784?s=20)on Twitter. Thank you again for being such an amazing source of inspiration!
> 
> Also, thank you to AntoLiv for creating [this](https://i.ibb.co/J3jp8zW/lXcnUg61.jpg) lovely moodboard!
> 
> And thank you to the amazing [Lena](https://twitter.com/bensoloswhore) for making the amazing gif moodboard that I posted on Twitter!
> 
> As always, be sure to leave kudos and comments if you're enjoying this story! Love you all<3

Rey wakes up to the midday sun peeking through her curtains, an uncomfortable white heat beating down against her skin. Her throat feels dry and there’s a dull ache tugging at her temples. 

And then suddenly, memories of everything that happened yesterday — including and especially the idiotic thing she did before falling asleep — come rushing back to her, and she jolts awake.

She desperately fumbles for her phone on her nightstand. First she sees she has a message from Poe. She opens up their text thread, and she’s reminded of how she pleaded for him to take her back the night before.

> **Rey** : Poe, darling, I’m so sorry, I can’t possibly express how sorry I am. I just got scared, and I panicked, but it’s no excuse. I am so sorry for hurting you and embarrassing you in front of your family. I don’t know what came over me. But I can’t lose you, Poe. Please call me when you get this message.
> 
> **Poe** : Rey, I’ve been trying to call you all morning and I’m getting worried. Please call me as soon as you wake up.

And then she hears a familiar _ping_ noise indicating she has a new Facebook message, and she has to once again read her _especially_ idiotic message to Ben. 

> Dear Ben,
> 
> I got your letter. I don’t really know what to say, only that it’s good to hear from you. I was wondering if we might be able to chat in person. 
> 
> -Rey
> 
> Rey, Of course I want to see you, I would love to see you. There’s a cafe on 13 Cornelia Street we could meet at. It made me think of your flat on Cornelia Street in Cambridge.
> 
> All my love,
> 
> Ben

  
  


_What the fuck have I done,_ Rey thinks to herself, but then her phone starts buzzing, snapping her to attention.

“Hello? Poe, darling, hi, God, I’m _so sorry_ —”

“Rey, babe, it’s so good to hear from you, I was so worried.”

“I’m okay, I just —I will never be able to express properly how sorry I am—”

“Rey, it’s okay—”

“No, _God_ , Poe, you don’t have to tell me it’s okay because it _wasn’t_ okay—” Rey sighs, exasperated, “I just—there’s no reasonable excuse for what I’ve done. I just...I just got scared. We’ve only known each other for a year and I love you, Poe, you know that, but I just got overwhelmed and I panicked.”

Rey sighs again and lays down flat on her bed so she’s staring at the ceiling. Poe is silent on the other end of the phone call. 

“Okay,” he says finally, sounding distant. She can hear the hurt in his voice, and it breaks her. She starts to cry.

“Poe, I’m so sorry,” Rey pleads. 

“I’m sure you are,” he replies, but his tone suggests otherwise.

“ _Poe_ —”

He sighs.

“This is just...you know I love you but, Rey, but you’re right, you humiliated me in front of my entire family. If you were feeling uncertain, you should have told me sooner.”

“God, I know, Poe, I know that, and I am so, so sorry. I just — it didn’t hit me until the officiant was asking me to say ‘I do’, and I just knew I wasn’t ready. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you, I’m just...I’m just not ready to be married.”

“Okay,” he says again, sounding hurt and distant. “I just...” He pauses and lets out a long exhale. “I’m not breaking up with you, Rey, but... I think I just need some space after what happened. I think we both do, honestly.”

“Yeah,” Rey manages, her voice sounding small and strained as she fights back tears, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

There is a long silence, and then Poe finally speaks.

“I love you, Rey,” he tells her.

  
“I love you too, Poe,” she murmurs. 

“I’ll...” he sighs, “I’ll text you at some point.”

“Okay,” Rey replies quietly. And then Poe ends the call. 

Rey just lies there for a while, staring at the ceiling as silent tears pour down her cheeks, until another _ping_ noise snaps her to attention. It’s Ben again.

> **Ben** : What time did you want to meet?

With a shaky breath and trembling hands, Rey manages to type a reply.

> **Rey:** If you’re free now, I can be there in twenty minutes.
> 
> **Ben** : Yes, definitely, that sounds perfect. I can’t wait to see you, Rey. 

***

Rey isn’t prepared for the rush of feelings that swell in her chest the moment she lays eyes on him for the first time in five years, and then, _oh_ , he smiles at her, and her feelings surge to a dizzying crescendo and oh _God_ , she never stopped loving him, never, not for one second.

***

It was trivia night at the pub—Oxford vs. Cambridge. 

She was on her way to get another drink when she first laid eyes on him, all alone at the bar in his black Oxford sweater, tall and brooding and looking thoroughly miserable.

When she walked up to the bar to order her drink, “Shake it Off” started to play, and she let out an involuntary squeak.

“Oh my God, I love this song!” she exclaimed to no one in particular.

She hears a disgusted, condescending scoff. 

“Seriously?” much to her chagrin, the strange, brooding man felt the need to weigh in. “It’s so annoying. I can’t stand Taylor Swift.”

Rey rolled her eyes dramatically.

“Oh _wow,_ another man who thinks he’s ever so edgy and cool because he dislikes Taylor Swift, we’re all so very impressed,” Rey said sharply. “Are you aware that she wrote her third studio album _Speak Now_ all by herself when she was nineteen-years-old? What had _you_ accomplished at nineteen? If you want to hear some truly masterful songwriting, I suggest you listen to that album, and also this song called ‘All Too Well.’ And as for ‘Shake it Off’, it’s a fun song, and anyone who says otherwise is just _mean_.”

And then something strange happened: the mysterious, brooding, Taylor Swift hating man _smiled_ at her — and it’s a small, crooked, almost bemused smile, but a smile nonetheless.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.

Rey was taken aback, visibly offended.

“ _No,_ you may not, I don’t let _Oxford_ men buy me drinks — _especially_ ones who don’t like Taylor Swift,” Rey quipped, deliberately not looking at him as she picked up a drink menu from the bar and scanned it. 

A smug grin peeked across his face.

“Not even handsome ones?”

Rey rolled her eyes again as she set the menu back down.

“Oh please, don’t flatter yourself,” she muttered, but he only smiled more broadly in response to her remark. 

She ignored him and turned to the bartender.

“Two vodka cranberries please,” she asked, ordering one for herself and one to bring back to the table for Kaydel.

The minute it takes for the bartender to prepare the drinks felt like the longest minute of her life because she could _feel_ him just...intently _gazing_ at her, and it made her cheeks flush hot. She started fussing with a napkin on the bar counter, averting his gaze and trying to distract herself.

_Finally,_ the bartender placed her drinks on the counter. She hurriedly fished a £10 note out of her small black cross-body purse and left it on the bar before making a beeline back to the table where Kaydel and the rest of her friends were sitting.

She was slightly out of breath by the time she sat down.

Kaydel was grinning with a familiar glint in her eyes and she leaned over closer to Rey.

“ _Rey,_ ” Kaydel said conspiratorially, her voice dropping low so no one else could hear, “Were you just talking to _Benjamin Organa-Solo?”_

“Er—you mean that weird, brooding bloke over by the bar?” Rey asked, confused.

Kaydel nodded. 

“His mom is a Senator in the U.S., and his grandmother is some type of royalty from this tiny country I’ve never heard of. He’s got a trust fund and a reputation for being a pompous asshole.”

  
“Yeah, I’ve noticed the pompous asshole part,” Rey mumbled irritably. 

***

As the night pressed on, she got up again to get another drink and, much to her unending chagrin, she ran into Benjamin Organa-Solo, who was leaning against the wall in a dark corner like some fucking cartoon villain. 

She sighed in irritation and dismay.

“Not you again.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” Ben said with a smug grin. “So is it still a no for the drink? Or is your boyfriend going to be upset that a mysterious Oxford man is offering to buy you alcohol?”

Rey groaned and rolled her eyes.

“ _Fine_ ,” she snapped. “I’ll let you buy me a drink, but only so you’ll leave me alone,” she told him. “And I don’t have a boyfriend, by the way,” she added.

He smirked at her, and then, _inexplicably_ , she felt a rush of warmth in her chest. 

Maybe it was because she couldn’t deny that, no matter how much he irritated her, he _was_ rather handsome in an unconventional sort of way, with his striking features, a shock of perfectly tousled raven-colored hair, and warm brown eyes. 

“You know, you’re very annoying, and I don’t like you one bit,” she informed him.

“And yet here you are, still talking to me,” he mused smugly.

“ _God_ ,” she let out an exasperated huff, “Will you _please_ just _shut up._ "

He raised his eyebrows, his head tilting to the side as stepped closer to her until he was only a breath away. She drew in a sharp breath. He was at least half a foot taller than her and smelled like expensive cologne, some delicious combination of mahogany and bergamot, and she hated how being that close to him made it impossible for her to think straight. 

“Make me,” he said in a low voice, and then some inexplicable magnetic force overtook her and the next thing she knew her mouth was on his, capturing his lips in a searing, passionate kiss.

And if she couldn’t think straight before, she _definitely_ couldn’t think straight when he was kissing her. He bit her lower lip and his tongue slid into her mouth as one of his massive hands engulfed the side of her face, the other spanning her waist as he pulled her in closer to him. It was like he was _devouring_ her, like he couldn’t get enough of her. She felt weightless and dizzy and suddenly she didn’t even feel like she was at the pub anymore; in that perfect, electrifying moment, it was like they were the only two people who had ever existed. 

She didn’t know how much time had passed when she pulled away, out of breath, her lips swollen. But there was one thought singing in her mind over and over again, like a desperate mantra: she needed more of him, _all_ of him.

“Can we—can we...continue this somewhere else?” she panted, still trying to catch her breath from the kiss, her voice husky and low.

A crooked, wolfish smile peeked across his lips, and he leaned in closer so his lips were brushing against the shell of her ear. 

“That can be arranged,” he murmured, his breath hot against her neck. 

"Then what are you waiting for?" she demanded. 

He pulled back just enough so she could see the devilish, self-satisfied grin he had plastered to his beautiful face, and she couldn’t _stand_ that smug bastard.

So why did she want him more than she had ever wanted anyone in her life?

***

He stands up when he sees her, and it takes everything she has not to just run to him, take him in her arms and kiss him again and again and again, just like the night they met. 

Instead she manages an awkward, bashful half smile and wave. When she reaches the table, he appears to be going in for a hug, but she abruptly and awkwardly sits down.

He looks confused and hurt, but there’s also that same intense, fervent adoration in his eyes that she is all too familiar with. 

“Hi,” she says quietly, but she’s blushing and biting back a grin.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he says softly as he sits back down, “It’s so good to see you, Rey — you have no idea how good it is to see you.”

She sighs. Better to get it over with now and just tell him.

  
“Ben, there’s something you should know...Poe and I—well, we’re not exactly broken up. I...I sort of panicked and left him at the altar, and then we talked this morning and agreed we both needed space, but we didn’t break up.”

“Oh,” Ben says quietly. He seems to deflate and she can see tears starting to pool in his eyes.

Seeing him hurting breaks her heart just as intensely as leaving him five years ago did.

“But Ben, I — I just had to see you — but I have to be honest, my head is spinning. I know you know that letter couldn’t have possibly come at a worse time, and you can’t blame me for being more than a little overwhelmed and confused,” she tells him.

Ben sighs, and she detects an all-too-familiar hint of irritation.

“What?” she retorts, irritation creeping into her tone as well.

He shakes his head. 

“So I guess nothing’s really changed, then.”

Rey scoffs.

“And what’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“You couldn’t make up your mind about what you wanted back then either,” he points out coolly. 

Rey is incredulous.

“Well maybe if _you_ had been honest with me and weren’t so indecisive about what you wanted and who you wanted to be — and I _know_ , believe me I know I was shitty to you, but going back to her to punish me? When we both know that even though I was a shit girlfriend, I _never_ treated you as badly as she did, Ben. And yet, time and again, you would choose her,” she snarls.

“Maybe it’s because _you_ never chose _me_ ,” he replies icily. 

“Ben, how was I _ever_ supposed to trust you again when you _know_ it’s hard enough for me to open up to people as it is? You didn’t give me the _chance_ to choose you, because you could never make up your mind about _anything._ You were always so torn between your precious high society life with your gorgeous model girlfriend and going after the things you actually wanted. You _always_ ran back to her, back to your awful friends, back to Snoke, and I tried _so hard_ to be there for you, but sometimes you made it _impossible._ ”

His voice is quiet when he speaks again.

“So you still haven’t forgiven me? After five years?”

Rey sighs.

“No, Ben, that’s the thing, that’s _always_ the thing — I _always_ forgive you, every time, every single bloody time you hurt me, every time you chose her over me, I _always_ forgave you, just like you always forgave me for being the world’s shittiest and flightiest and most commitment-averse girlfriend because — because —”

His face softens.

“Because why, Rey?”

She sighs again and shakes her head. 

“Nevermind. I just — we’re fighting again,” she says quietly, “That was the one thing we were always good at. Maybe the only thing we were good at.”

He reaches out and takes her hand and she draws in a sharp breath at the electricity that blossoms across her skin at his gentle touch.

. 

“I don’t want to fight anymore, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “And besides,” he adds with a slight sly smile, “There were other things we were good at, too.”

Her cheeks flush hot as a bashful smile tugs at her lips. He’s definitely not wrong about _that._

“Rey, I just — I just can’t bear to lose you again, so if there’s any chance you might change your mind, I can be patient, especially after you were so patient about everything with Bazine—”

“Ha,” she scoffs, “I was many things, but I don’t think _patient_ was one of them.”

“But you always forgave me in the end, and you always took me back, even when I didn’t deserve it. And Rey, I just... my world has gone too quiet without you in it. It’s like — it’s just like —” Ben sighs, exasperated, trying to find the words to express what he’s trying so desperately to tell her. 

“It’s like—these past 5 years, with you away, it’s been like — like all the letters of my life were scrambled into an anagram, and I haven’t been able to put the letters in order and make sense of anything until the moment you walked into this coffee shop.”

He pauses and takes a deep breath.

“It was so much easier to say that I would let you go, that I wouldn’t interfere if he truly makes you happy when I was just writing a letter, but now that you’re _here_ and you’re _real_ I just — I just can’t lose you again, Rey. And I hope you’ll give me the chance to show you that I’ve changed, and that things can be different this time. I was such an idiot back then. I could have been with the love of my life but instead I kept going back to what was easy, what was comfortable. You _challenged_ me, Rey, you...you made me want to be better, and that scared me back then. I was young and stupid and I wasn’t ready for you, wasn’t ready to treat you the way you deserved to be treated. But things are different now — _I’m_ different now, and all I know is I can’t imagine my life without you in it.” 

There is a long silence as Rey considers what he’s just said.

“Ben, you can’t just waltz back into my life out of nowhere and expect me to leave my fiancé,” she says quietly.

“I’m not asking you to do that,” he takes a deep breath, “I just...I’m not trying to pressure you into making a decision either way right now, but I’m going to be in town for a little while and if we could maybe meet for coffee a few times a week to talk and catch up, and I could give you a chance to show that I’ve changed, that would mean the world to me, Rey. And if in the end you still decide that you want to stay with Poe, I’ll go back to the States and I promise I won’t bother you ever again.”

Rey pauses, and there’s a palpable silence as she considers his offer. She lets out a long, slow breath.

“Okay,” she says finally, and Ben’s face lights up. “But _just coffee,_ so we’re clear,” she adds pointedly.

“Of course,” Ben says, his tone resolute and serious. “Just coffee.”

She feels a flood of warmth in her chest at the thought of getting to see him more often, and she can’t help the smile that starts to tug at her lips. 

“Well," she says finally, "as long as we’re on the same page...you know how to get in touch with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Beatrice Letters](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beatrice_Letters)  
> Come say hi to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/darthswift13)!


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I see you’re drinking cappuccinos now. What happened to mister black coffee only? I’m pretty sure you almost dumped me because I had the audacity to put sugar in your coffee once,” Rey points out with a teasing smirk. 
> 
> Ben chuckles.
> 
> “A lot has changed since then,” he says with a shrug as he opens a packet of sugar and pours it into his cappuccino.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! It's been a minute, but I finally got around to writing another chapter for this story. Also, I've decided I'm going to updated this fic every Thursday from now on! 
> 
> Thank you to the lovely [Carina](https://twitter.com/kirasbens) for beta reading this chapter, and thank you to the endlessly talented [ Lena ](https://twitter.com/bensoloswhore)for creating the beautiful moodboards for this chapter!
> 
> There's another reference to [_The Beatrice Letters_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beatrice_Letters)in this chapter, and a citation for the quote is provided at the end. 
> 
> Please be sure to leave kudos and comments if you like this story, and I hope you enjoy this update! <3

“So I may or may not have done a dumb thing,” Rey says to Kaydel as she collapses onto the couch.

Kaydel is standing in the kitchen with a bag of tortilla chips in her hand, and her eyes widen as she shoves a chip into her face, scurrying over to join Rey on the couch.

“Where were you?” she asks eagerly, a conspiratorial air to her tone. “I thought you had died or something when I woke up and you were gone. Did you — did you go see _Ben?_ ” she inquires, dropping her voice to a whisper.

“Yes but I...I didn’t exactly break up with Poe either?” Rey admits sheepishly, turning to Kaydel with a nervous expression. 

“I—” Rey sighs, defeated, “I texted them both last night, and I finally talked to Poe this morning and after I apologized profusely, we agreed not to break up, but decided we both needed a break. And then I agreed to meet with Ben for coffee because...because I think a part of me definitely still has feelings for him? But I love Poe and I just...I don’t want to throw away everything we have over a letter from my ex whom I hadn’t seen in five years until this morning. But I’m also not ready to just let Ben walk out of my life again, either. So I told Ben we could meet up for coffee—he’s going to be in town for a while, his mom is here for some conference thing—but I made it clear that it’s _just_ coffee because Poe and I aren’t technically broken up yet.”

Kaydel considers this for a moment as she chews another tortilla chip, her eyes darting upward and her face scrunching up slightly.

“I mean,” she starts, her mouth still full with a tortilla chip, “As long as you guys are just getting coffee, I don’t see the harm? But the thing is...are you _sure_ you guys can keep it that way? As someone who lived with you when you two were together—or whatever it is you called your mess of a not-really-relationship—I unfortunately know from experience you two can’t exactly keep your hands off of each other.”

“I definitely wouldn’t let things progress to that point without breaking up with Poe first.”

“Hmm....okay,” Kaydel allows, her face scrunching up in thought again. “But, like, are you going to tell Poe you’re getting coffee with Ben?”  
  


“I mean...no, but we’re on a break, so we’re not exactly talking right now?” 

Kaydel sets the bag of tortilla chips on the coffee table.

“Babe, if you’re not telling Poe, then it’s not _just coffee,”_ she points out, “Like, zero judgement or whatever but if you’re meeting up with your ex and not telling your boyfriend then that’s not just getting coffee with a friend, that’s all I’m saying.”

Rey sighs, picking up the bag of chips.

“God, what the fuck am I even doing, I’m such a bloody mess,” she mutters as she shoves a handful of chips in her face, letting her head collapse against Kaydel’s shoulder. Kaydel puts her arm around Rey and soothingly rubs her back.

“To be fair, I think anyone would be a bit of a mess if they got a letter from their ex declaring his undying love on the day of their wedding,” Kaydel reassures her, “And besides, I kind of miss messy Rey. It takes me back to our Cambridge days.”

* * *

**Five Years Ago**

* * *

Rey stood in the doorway of her bedroom as Ben hastily pulled his shoes on and made his way toward the door. Kaydel, meanwhile, was standing in the middle of the living room in her robe drinking a cup of tea, looking thoroughly entertained as she glanced at Rey with her eyes widening and her eyebrows waggling. 

Rey shot her a warning look, but that only made Kaydel’s smirk grow larger. 

Ben closed the door with a loud _thud,_ and Kaydel practically squealed.

“Oh my _God,”_ she exclaimed.

“We are _not_ talking about this,” Rey said firmly, “This never happened.”

“Oh, you mean you hooking up with Benjamin Organa-Solo?” Kaydel prodded with a devilish gin. “An _Oxford_ man?”

“ _Please_ , Kaydel, you have hooked up with dozens of girls from Oxford, so I don’t want to hear it,” Rey shoots back.

Kaydel laughed.

“That’s because I don’t make a big deal about the rivalry bullshit. But _you_ on the other hand — I’m sorry, it’s just very funny to me that _you_ hooked up with an _Oxford_ man, especially _Benjamin Solo_ of all people. Weren’t you saying he’s a pompous asshole last night?”

“Yes? And your point?” 

Kaydel snorted.

  
“God, when you disappeared I thought you’d just found another dumbass from the rugby team, but _this_ — I’m sorry, but I’m never letting you live this down, Rey.”

“Well, you’ll forget about it soon enough I’m sure, because I’m certainly never seeing him again,” Rey insisted. 

This made Kaydel laugh out loud.

“ _What_?” Rey snapped.

“Oh please, this flat has very thin walls and there’s absolutely no way y’all aren’t going to try to make _that_ happen again as much as possible,” she said with a smirk. “I’m so proud of you for finding a guy you don’t have to fake it for, by the way.”

“ _Kaydel_ ,” Rey hissed, flushing bright red. 

“What? I wasn’t trying to be creepy, I was literally blasting music in my headphones and I still had to be inundated with the horrifying sounds of heterosexual copulation because _y’all_ don’t know how to be quiet. So that’s on you, love.”

In that moment, Rey was certain her face must have looked as red as a tomato. 

“I need to take a shower,” Rey muttered as she stalked off to the bathroom, slamming the door forcefully behind her.

“Rey, don’t be mad! I’m happy for you! Seriously! Good for you, queen!” Kaydel called out after her.

“And I’m done talkiiiiing to youuuu,” Rey replied in a mock sing-song voice. 

And then she turned on “Sparks Fly” by Taylor Swift before stepping into the shower.

***

“And where were you last night?” Armie asked as he took in Ben’s disheveled appearance when he walked into their flat.

“What, are you my girlfriend or something?” Ben mumbled irritably as he shrugged off his jacket and threw it on the back of a chair.

“Bazine came over looking for you. Did you turn your phone off? She thinks you died or something,” Armie informed him. 

“Wait,” Ben paused and turned to look up at his roommate. “Bazine was here?”

“Yeah, well, it seems she’s changed her mind about breaking up with you,” Armie explained as he reached for a folded up piece of paper sitting on the kitchen table, “She left this for you.”  
  


Ben sighed.

  
“It’s probably just her saying everything is all her fault and begging me to take her back and promising things will be different this time. Yet again.”

“I mean, that’s basically what she said last night,” Armie replied with a shrug. “The usual speech. So you don’t want to read it, then?”  
  


“I didn’t say that,” Ben muttered as he snatched the note out of his hand.

  
“That’s what I thought,” Armie replied, “Don’t be an idiot, Ben. She’s literally a _model,_ mate _._ You couldn’t do better than her if you tried.”

“Yeah,” Ben said quietly, “You’re right.”

***

Ben sat down on his bed, and just as he was about to open Bazine’s note, his phone started buzzing. He glanced down and saw Rey’s name come up on the screen.

_Last night was fun. Text me the next time you're in town for trivia?_

A smile tugged at Ben’s lips as he put the note down on his nightstand and picked up his phone instead. 

_Yeah, sounds great. Will do._

  
He picked up the note again, turning it over in his hands but not unfolding it. 

And then he chucked it in the garbage. And he _knew_ he would probably go looking for it later. But at that moment, the only woman Ben felt interested in hearing from was the one who had just reminded him what it felt like to laugh for the first time in months.

***

A few days pass by. Not being at work just serves as a constant, painful reminder that she’s supposed to be on her honeymoon right now. She almost wants to ask her boss if she can come back early, but then people will ask questions, and she can’t deal with that right now.

She finds herself compulsively checking her phone to see if Poe or Ben have called, but every time she checks she just has new texts from Rose lovingly checking in to see how she’s doing.

> _Hi, Rey, remember to take care of yourself and drink water. Do you want me to come over and we can watch funny movies with Kaydel?_
> 
> _Hi love, hope you’re hanging in there. Try to do what you can to distract yourself._
> 
> _Hi babes, haven’t heard from you in a while, hope everything’s okay. Take care of yourself._

But today’s text is decidedly less pleasant. 

> _Hi love, I hope you’re holding up okay. There’s no easy way to address this, so I guess I’ll just come out and say it: What do you want to do about the wedding presents? Should I send them back? Should I still write thank-you notes? Just let me know._

She knows Rose is just trying to be helpful, but she doesn’t want anymore reminders of the stupid, embarrassing thing she did. She can’t help but think that Poe’s parents must hate her now, and the thought makes her stomach lurch. They’ve only ever been endlessly kind to her, and she’s repaid them by leaving their son at the altar at the expensive wedding that they graciously paid for. That they wasted their money on.

Rey sighs and sets her phone down. It’s getting late and she should be getting ready for bed. She goes to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth and changes into pajamas. When she gets back to her room, she hears her phone buzzing on her nightstand.

She goes over to pick it up, and when she sees Ben has been messaging her on Facebook, and all at once she feels a flood of warmth in her chest as a smile peeks across her face. 

> **Ben:** Hi, I haven’t heard from you and I was wondering if you still wanted to get coffee again sometime? I hope I’m not bothering you. If you’ve changed your mind I completely understand and I will leave you alone.
> 
> **Rey:** Of course I haven’t changed my mind. It’s just been a weird week for me after everything that happened I’m just sort of...in a weird headspace right now. I thought you might change your mind so I wanted to wait and see if you would message me again.
> 
> **Ben** : Rey. Of course I haven’t changed my mind. You know how I feel about you. That hasn’t changed. That won’t change. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.

Rey feels herself blushing at his words.

> **Ben** : Sorry...I probably shouldn’t have brought that up.
> 
> **Rey** : No, it’s fine...Do you want to get coffee tomorrow?
> 
> **Ben** : Yes. Same time and place as before?
> 
> **Rey** : That works for me. 
> 
> **Ben** : In that case, I’ll see you then.
> 
> **Rey** : See you then.

She sets her phone down on her nightstand and lets out a breath she’d been holding. She still has no idea what she’s doing or why she’s doing it or if she even _should_ be doing this. 

But all she knows is the thought of seeing Ben again tomorrow fills her with the kind of thrill she hasn’t felt since she met a handsome, infuriating stranger at uni.

***

It’s really not fair, she thinks to herself, that someone can look so bloody handsome in just a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. She remembers she asked him once what products he used to get his hair to fall in such perfect cascading dark waves like that, and he looked at her like he was confused.

He only becomes more beautiful when he smiles at her, his hazel eyes glimmering, crinkling at the edges, and every time he looks at her she feels like she’s twenty-years-old all over again, completely besotted with an arrogant Oxford man she met at the pub and swore she would never fall for. 

It occurs to her suddenly that he has been early for both of their meetings now. He was never once on time for anything when they were seeing each other at uni.

When she reaches the table, he stands up, and they stand in front of each other awkwardly, fidgeting and avoiding eye contact. Rey isn’t entirely sure how they should greet each other, so she decides to offer him her hand to shake. When he takes her hand, she’s not prepared for the jolt of electricity it sends up her arm, or the sudden and shocking and visceral way she’s reminded of just how bloody _big_ his stupid hands are.

And suddenly her mind is flooded with a rush of memories related to those massive hands of hers, thoughts she _definitely_ shouldn’t be having when she has a boyfriend, even if they are on a break.

She clears her throat and abruptly pulls her hand away, her eyes darting to the floor as she sits down.

When she manages to look up, she sees there’s already a mug of tea sitting in front of her.

  
“Do you, um — do you still like Earl Grey tea with a splash of milk?” Ben asks, “If not, I can get you something else—”

Rey smiles.

“You remembered,” she says softly.

“Of course I remembered,” Ben replies with a small, gentle smile.

They hold each other’s gaze for a long, tense beat.

“Anyway,” Rey says suddenly, sitting up straight and breaking the silence as she picks up a spoon and begins to nervously stir her tea, “I see you’re drinking cappuccinos now. What happened to mister black coffee _only_? I’m pretty sure you almost dumped me because I had the audacity to put sugar in your coffee once,” Rey points out with a teasing smirk. 

Ben chuckles.

  
“A lot has changed since then,” he says with a shrug as he opens a packet of sugar and pours it into his cappuccino. She watches as he stirs it into the drink, the tiny crystals melting away into the frothy foam, his hand dwarfing the spoon.

_Stop thinking about his hands, you idiot,_ she thinks to herself.

She darts her eyes away from his cappuccino. 

“I trust things are going swimmingly at First Order Enterprises,” Rey quips as she slowly brings her cup of tea toward her lips, blowing on it slightly to cool it off.

He shrugs again as he taps his spoon against his cappuccino and sets it on a napkin. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t know. I quit,” he says simply.

Rey nearly spits out her tea.

_“_ You _what?”_ Rey demanded, eyes widening in disbelief.

* * *

**Five Years Ago**

* * *

Ben scoffed as he leaned against his kitchen counter.

“You don’t understand. Snoke is a genius and he — he _believes_ in me, Rey.”  
  


“Well, I believe in you, too, Ben, and I think this man and this degree and this whole stupid elitist life of yours that you’ve built is actually making you bloody miserable and you would be so, so much happier if you just told him to piss off and pursued something that was actually meaningful to you.”

Ben sighed, shaking his head slightly. 

“You don’t get it. It’s not that simple, Rey.”

Rey rolled her eyes. 

“Oh, yes, I know, it’s _never_ that simple, is it?” Rey hissed. “It’s the same with this stupid business degree and this stupid job that you constantly choose over spending time with me, it’s the same with bloody _Bazine_ and your arsehole friends — you’re always on about how it’s _not that simple,_ but is it so hard for you to believe that you deserve better, Ben? That you deserve to be _happy?_ You don’t have to live like this. If you just —” she sighed, exasperated, tears beginning to prickle in her eyes. 

They’ve had this same fight so many times, and she knew it was useless. She knew he would keep going back to Snoke, and to Bazine, and to Armie, and all of it, back to people who used him and treated him like garbage because he thought that’s what he deserved. 

“You don’t have to settle for this bullshit, Ben, there’s — there’s people who care about you — if you would just call your mum back, I know — ” Rey started to say.

Ben visibly tensed up at this suggestion. 

“Don’t you _dare_ bring my mother into this, you don’t know anything about that.” 

“She still cares about you, Ben,” Rey insisted.

“She sent me away, she abandoned me, you—you have absolutely no idea what that’s like, Rey,” Ben shot back icily. 

“My parents abandoned me when I was a baby and I grew up in foster care with each foster parent shittier than the last. But please, _do_ tell me how I have no idea what it’s like to be abandoned. At least your mum is bloody _trying_ . I never heard from my parents again. Not _once_.”

Ben’s face fell, his entire demeanor shifting. He tried to take a step toward her. His tone is quiet and gentler when he speaks again. 

“Rey, I’m so sorry, I had no idea—”

“Whatever,” Rey muttered, turning away from him and scooping her purse off of where it was hanging on the back of a chair.

“Rey, wait, where are you going?” he asked. 

“I’m done, Ben, I’m just _so fucking done,_ ” she snapped through the tears that were now falling down her face. “I’m so _bloody sick_ of having this same argument with you over and over and again, and you treating me like a fucking idiot who couldn’t possibly understand your _ever-so-complicated_ life. So I’m done. I’m going home.”

“Rey, there’s not another train to Cambridge until the morning,” he said softly.

“Then I’ll take a bloody cab!”

“All the way back to Cambridge? That will cost over a hundred pounds, Rey, at least let me give you some money,” he said as he reached for his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans.

“I don’t want your fucking money, Ben!” Rey shouted, and then she started crying in earnest. “I—I don’t want—I just—you just— _God_ , I’m just so tired of this—”

“I know, sweetheart,” Ben said softly, hesitantly stepping toward her as his eyes scanned her face, and she let herself collapse into his arms, balling his shirt into her fists as she sobbed. He gently rubbed circles onto her back. 

She doesn’t know how long they stayed like that. 

“Rey, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—” he started to say after a long while when Rey’s sobs began to subside. 

Rey sniffed, lifting her head up slowly to look at him.

“God, you don’t have to —” she sighed, exasperated, still sniffling slightly. “Just — just don’t say anything—” Her eyes darted to his lips. “Don’t say anything, Ben,” she murmured before pressing her lips to his. 

***

“Yeah, I, um...not long after getting back to the States, actually,” Ben explains before taking a small sip of his cappuccino. “I realized you were right. About everything. I haven’t spoken to Snoke or Armie or Bazine or any of them since then, either.”

Rey raises her eyebrows in disbelief.

“I’m sorry, I’m just—I’m just a bit shocked is all. I can’t believe you actually _quit_ ,” Rey says with wide eyes. “So, um — what are you doing now, then? For work, I mean?”

  
“I’m, um, I’m a math teacher, actually, ” Ben replies simply.

“Oh my god, you’re a _maths teacher_ ?” Rey grins. “You _nerd_ ,” she adds teasingly.

Ben smirks. “Maths?” he asks, tilting his head slightly.

  
“Yes, _maths_ , Benjamin, I don’t know what _‘math’_ is,” she retorts, pronouncing the word ‘math’ with an exaggerated American accent. 

“Wow, I came all the way here from the States just to see you, and now I’m being bullied,” he says, shaking his head as he chuckles, eyes darting to the ceiling, “I can’t believe this.”

“Sorry, teach, I’m just being honest,” Rey retorts with a smirk and a sly shrug of her shoulders, “Being a maths teacher _definitively_ makes you a massive nerd, Solo.” She takes another sip of her tea, “But in all seriousness, I’m happy for you. And proud of you,” she adds softly, glancing up at him shyly.

They hold each other’s gaze for another long moment. 

Rey swallows thickly before setting her tea cup down on the table and averting her eyes. She clears her throat.

“Anyway,” she says, “Do you like it, then? Teaching I mean?

Ben smiles. “I love it. I mean, it definitely has its own challenges, but I’m so much happier now.”

A soft smile peeks across Rey’s face.

“Good. I’m glad. You deserve to be happy, Ben,” she says firmly, looking him in the eyes. 

“So do you, Rey,” he tells her, “Are you still in engineering?” 

“Yeah, I’m er — I’m a mechanical engineer for an architecture firm that builds environmentally sustainable housing and I love it,” Rey says, her eyes lighting up as she speaks, “I get to do what I love, and I feel like I’m making a difference and it’s really a dream job for me.”

“That’s amazing, Rey,” Ben says, letting his hand brush against where hers is holding her tea mug. She draws in a sharp breath and lets her eyes meet his, lips parted slightly. She can feel her cheeks flushing red. 

They linger like this for a long, tense moment, until Rey’s phone starts buzzing in her purse. 

“Oh—er—sorry,” she mutters, abruptly pulling her hand away and reaching into her bag. She looks at her lockscreen and sighs, glancing back up at Ben, “It’s Poe. He wants to talk...so I should...I should get going then, I suppose.”

“Right,” Ben says quietly, “Of course.”  
  


“But um,” Rey starts to say, “I’ll um, I’ll message you, okay?”

Ben nods.

“It was good to see you, Rey,” he tells her, his eyes soft and earnest. 

“It was good to see you, too, Ben,” she replies, biting back a smile.

_Don’t go don’t go don’t go_ , her mind clamors just like it had the day she let him go back to the U.S. 

She could stay here all day talking to him with his hand resting on top of hers. She still has so much she wants to ask him. So much she wants to tell him.

But instead she slides her purse onto her shoulder and stands up, clearing her throat. 

“Right. Good-bye then, I suppose,” she manages awkwardly, “I’ll um — like I said, I’ll message you.”

Ben nods in understanding.

***

Ben watches as Rey walks out of the coffee shop, leaving him behind as the door jingles to signal her exit. 

With a sigh, he lets his fingertips rest against where her hand had grasped the handle of her tea mug. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday," is another quote from[ _The Beatrice Letters_.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beatrice_Letters)  
> Come say hi to me on [Twitter!](https://twitter.com/darthswift13/)


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [Lena](http://twitter.com/bensoloswhore) for creating the beautiful moodboard for this chapter, and thank you to [Carina](http://twitter.com/kirasbens) for beta reading!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this update, and please be sure to leave kudos and comments if you like this story!

****

* * *

**One Year Ago**

* * *

“I think we should find you a boyfriend,” Kaydel announced. 

Rey scoffed.

“I do not need a boyfriend, Kaydel,” she muttered.

“It’s been _four years_ since you’ve had a relationship...or whatever it is you called the situation with Ben,” Kaydel pointed out, “Don’t you ever get lonely?”

“I have you and Rose,” Rey insisted, “I’m not alone.”

  
  


*******

The morning after their fight when Rey had almost walked out, she woke up in Ben’s arms.

She looked up at him with sleepy eyes and saw that he was already awake.

“Good morning,” she murmured groggily before lifting her head up to kiss him.

He smiled.

  
“Good morning, sweetheart,” he said softly.

She let her head rest against his chest again, and he gingerly carded his fingers through her hair.

“I’m glad I didn’t leave last night,” she said quietly, absentmindedly tracing a pattern on his chest with her fingertips.

“I’m glad, too,” he said as he placed a gentle kiss on top of her head and squeezed his arms around her tighter.

“I’ve never told anyone that before. About my parents abandoning me and growing up in foster care, I mean,” Rey said quietly. “I— I’ve just spent my whole life feeling terribly alone and I’m just so scared of being alone again, so scared to let anyone in because I fear they’ll leave me too and that’s why...that’s why it took me so long to let you take me on a proper date, that’s why I’m always trying to break up with you, I just...the way I feel about you, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. And I’m so scared of losing you. So scared of being all alone.”

  
“You’re not alone, Rey,” Ben said softly as he rubbed soothing circles onto her back.

She lifted her head up and gently placed a hand on his cheek.

“Neither are you, Ben.”

Her eyes searched his face for a moment before landing on his mouth. She leaned in and placed a delicate kiss on his lips. 

And then she laid her head back down on his chest because she didn’t want him to see that she was starting to cry.

Because even though she would never say it out loud, she _knew_ she was so in love with him—but she also knew that good things never last. And above all, she knew he would never feel the same way about her. She would never live up to Bazine or fit into his high society lifestyle; she’s a nobody from nowhere and no one has ever loved her. Why would they start now?

So she tried to memorize the moment, to breathe him in, to secure the feeling of his arms around her in her mind forever. She couldn’t let herself think for one second that she’d actually be allowed to keep him, because things like that don’t happen to her. 

*******

“But that’s not the same, and, like, no judgement or anything but surely just sleeping with random guys isn’t fulfilling?”

“You used to sleep with random girls all the time,” Rey said with a hint or irritation in her voice.

“Yeah. At uni. But that gets old after a while,” Kaydel pointed out, “Relationships are hard, but I would take being with Jannah over hooking up with random girls any day. It’s worth the effort and the risk when you find someone really special.”

Rey sighed. She knew what Kaydel meant, because if she hadn’t been so scared and insecure back at uni, she never would’ve let Ben go. But she also knows it’s been four years, and she should just move on already, because obviously if he still felt the same way he would’ve said something by now. 

“Alright, fine,” she said as she pulled her phone out of her back pocket and opened up the Tinder app, “Let’s find me a boyfriend, then.”

Kaydel squealed and snatched Rey’s phone. 

“Hey! Don’t start swiping without showing me first.”

Kaydel rolled her eyes.

“ _Fine_ ,” she muttered dramatically. 

Kaydel tilted the phone screen so Rey could see.

“Nope,” Rey said at the first dude, who was holding a large fish in his profile picture. Kaydel swiped left. “Nope...no... _definitely_ not,” Rey said to the various unappealing men that popped up on her screen, and Kaydel dutifully swiped left for her.

“Ooo, what about this guy! He’s hot and he’s a _pilot_ ,” Kaydel exclaimed gleefully.

“Please, how would _you_ know if he’s hot?” Rey said, snatching the phone back to get a better look at the guy.

“Look, just because I personally would not fuck him doesn’t mean I can’t recognize that he is objectively a whole snack,” Kaydel retorted with a shrug.

Rey giggled, blushing slightly. 

“I mean he is...he is definitely... _that_ ,” she conceded.

* * *

**Present Day**

* * *

When Rey arrives at Poe’s apartment and sees his face for the first time in over a week, she feels a surge of relief and comfort. It’s different from the thrill she felt coursing through her veins at seeing Ben again, and when he pulls her into a hug and holds her tight, it feels nice— but she can’t help but compare it to the electricity that blossomed across her skin just from Ben brushing his hand against hers. 

“I missed you,” Poe murmurs into Rey’s hair. 

“I missed you, too,” Rey says softly. And she does mean it. But she’s wondering if she means it differently than Poe does.

“Can we talk?” he asks as he pulls away from the embrace.

“Yeah, of course.”  
  


Poe entwines Rey’s hand with his own and leads her to his couch and they sit down.

“Rey,” Poe says softly as he reaches forward and brushes his hand against her cheek. When he leans in to kiss her there is something safe and comforting and familiar about the feeling of his lips against her own. 

She breaks the kiss and pulls away, stiffening slightly.

“Darling, I —” she starts to say, “I thought you wanted to talk.”

Poe nods.

“Right. Sorry. I just miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” Rey reassures him, taking his hand and squeezing it. “But we should talk first.”

Poe nods.

“I just—” He sighs. “I should be angry with you, but I just can’t anymore. I constantly find myself wanting to text you. It feels like I lost my best friend. And I know I’m partially to blame for what happened, I shouldn’t have rushed you into getting married so soon.”

“It’s okay,” Rey says as she swirls her thumb against the back of his hand. 

“How have—how have you been holding up?”

“Um,” Rey starts to say, feeling her heart rate start to quicken. “I’ve just, um. Just been talking to...friends. To my friends. They’ve been helpful.”

Poe’s face softens.

“Good. Kaydel and Rose are such good friends, I’m glad you have them to lean on.”

“And what about you? Have you been talking to Finn?”  
  


Poe seems to stiffen somewhat at the mention of Finn’s name. He starts nodding. 

“Oh. Yeah. Right. Of course. Talking. With Finn. I am — we are...talking. Yes.”

Rey tilts her head, a quizzical expression crossing her face.

“Right...well, anyway,” Rey starts to say, her eyes darting to the ceiling as she fidgets with the hem of her shirt. “I just...I think I still need some more time,” she admits.

Poe’s face falls.

“Oh...right.” He sighs, “Rey, if you want to break up with me, I would rather you just get it over with.”

“I didn’t say I wanted to break up with you, Jesus,” Rey mutters, “I just think I need more time. More space. To think things over. I don’t know. Besides, you just admitted you should’ve been more patient with me before. So I’m asking you to be patient now. Please.”

Poe sighs.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just hard because...” He trails off, and his voice is a low murmur when he speaks again, “Because I miss you so much, Rey.”

There is a tense silence, and then Rey feels Poe’s hand on her thigh. She doesn’t pull away. Instead, she finds herself leaning closer until their lips meet. As their kiss deepens, she feels hyper-aware of his hand against her leg and how it moves upward, and suddenly she’s wishing it were a different hand, a hand that she watched dwarf a spoon and a cappuccino mug earlier today, a hand that could almost span her whole thigh. She draws in a sharp breath and nearly moans and she can feel how wet she’s getting, but it has nothing to do with the man who is currently touching her, and everything to do with someone she absolutely should _not_ be thinking about right now. 

She breaks the kiss and pulls away.

“Poe...we....we shouldn’t,” Rey says, her eyes darting to the floor.

Poe takes his hand off her thigh and a guilty expression crosses his face. 

“I’m sorry. You’re right.”

“It’s okay,” Rey says softly, reaching forward to caress his cheek. “Like I said, I just...I just need some more space. Some more time to think things over. I hope you understand.”  
  


“Of course,” Poe says, nodding again. “If I’m being honest, I need to think some things over as well...a lot of things.”

A half-hearted smile tugs at Rey’s lips.

“I’m glad we’re on the same page, then.”

***

Rey is still thinking about Ben when she gets home. She’s grateful Kaydel doesn’t seem to be around, because she’s not really interested in being questioned about where she’s been, nor is she keen on having to explain that she is still apparently incapable of making decisions about her romantic future.

And she is also grateful to be alone because she is still thinking about his hands. Still imagining him touching her thigh. She starts to picture his hand moving slowly upward, and then...

Her cheeks feel hot and her breathing is quickening. She can feel herself getting wetter as these images flicker through her mind. As _he_ flickers through her mind. All the ways he used to touch her. All the ways he used to make her come. With his fingers. With his cock. With his tongue. 

She lies down on her bed and slides her jeans and her underwear off and she’s so wet she nearly gasps. She is thinking of Ben and only Ben when she touches herself, wishing _his_ fingers were inside of her instead.

* * *

**Five Years Ago**

* * *

The night after their first proper date, Rey fell asleep on Ben’s shoulder while they took the train to Oxford, the bouquet of sunflowers he had brought her strewn across her lap.

She felt him waking her up with a gentle shake and a kiss on top of her head, and she let him lead her to his flat with her hand entwined with his.

***

When they got inside his flat, Ben led her to his couch.

“Wait here,” he murmured against her ear before placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.

“For what?” Rey asks.

She felt him smile against her cheek.

“You’ll see.”

  
And then he disappeared in his room for a few minutes, leaving Rey alone with her thoughts.

She knew she should break up with him for good soon, because she couldn’t deny how completely in love with him she was any longer, and every one of his incredibly thoughtful and romantic gestures just broke her heart a little more because she knew it couldn’t last. She knew he would leave eventually; everyone always did. She knew she was unlovable, her parents made that much clear when they abandoned her. He would come to his senses soon enough, and she knew she should end things before it got to that point. But just for that one night at least, she wanted to try and enjoy whatever time they had left.

When he came out of his room, he smiled at her, and it was _everything_. He was as devastatingly handsome as ever, but there was also something bashful about his smile, something boyish and slightly nervous and endlessly adorable.

She bit back a smile and blushed in spite of herself. 

He made his way over to where she was sitting on the couch, and leaned down so his lips brushed against the shell of her ear when he spoke. 

“Okay, everything’s ready now, sweetheart,” he murmured.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

He smiled.

“Like I said,” he started to say, and then suddenly he scooped her up, one hand tucked under her knees while the other rested on her back, and a tiny gasp escaped from the back of Rey’s throat, and she wrapped her arms around his neck as her eyes widened in surprise, “you’ll see.”

***

There were dozens of candles lit all around Ben’s bedroom, bathing their faces in a soft, warm glow, and the sight took Rey’s breath away. She suddenly felt _incredibly_ overwhelmed and every part of her wanted to run away, to tell him she wasn’t feeling well or something and catch the last train back to Cambridge. But there was another part of her that felt so safe and warm in his arms that she never wanted to be anywhere else. It was the same part of her that loved him with all her heart even though she would never tell him that because it scared her to death. 

It was that part of her that led her to murmur _Ben_ as a soft smile tugged at her lips before pressing her mouth to his. It was that part of her that let him gently lay her down on his bed and trail kisses down her neck as she gingerly helped him pull off her dress so he could trail kisses down her freckled chest, so he could delicately unclasp her bra and tell her with the utmost reverence: _Rey, you’re so beautiful_ before lovingly taking each of her breasts in his mouth, taking his time with each one, making her writhe and moan beneath him as his hand trailed lower and his fingers found her entrance, his amber eyes widening as he marveled at how wet she always was for him. 

And was that part of her, the part that loved him desperately despite the fear that hung heavily on her chest, that answered his plea to let him taste her, to kiss her pretty little cunt until she comes for him again and again, with a breathless, desperate _please._

She cried out his name again and again as she knotted her fingers in his hair, desperately pressing herself against his plush, pillowy mouth as she wrapped her legs around him and he pulled her closer, holding her tight, his darkened eyes worshipful and adoring as he held her gaze.

He had made her come so many times before, but this time, it was different somehow. This time there was an intense flood of emotions that coursed through her veins and blossomed in her chest, heavy feelings that were more powerful than mere lust, feelings she’d never experienced before. He held her gaze and continued to lick at her through her orgasm and she wondered if he could tell from the way she moaned his name like it was a holy prayer that she was desperately in love with him. 

He made her come again with his fingers, and then with his cock, filling her with his cum, and she felt his breath, hot and delicious against her neck as he breathed out her name like it was the most beautiful sound his lips had ever known.

She could’ve stayed full of him forever.

* * *

**Present Day**

* * *

When Rey makes herself come, she cries out Ben’s name, and with her eyes squeezed shut she could almost perfectly visualize his beautiful face between her legs, rendering her a whimpering, writhing mess as she imagined him licking and suckling at her just as perfectly as he had that night in his flat all those years ago.

No one but him has ever made her come like that. And there’s a part of her that would give anything to have Benjamin Solo fuck her again. 

But still, it feels wrong to even _consider_ leaving Poe. And not just wrong, but terrifying. Because while Ben may say he’s changed, she had the hardest time trusting him back then, not only because of her existing abandonment issues, but because he had broken her trust and her heart every time he went back to Bazine and back to his old life, no matter how many times he had promised that he was leaving it all behind for good. Was she supposed to just trust him again overnight because of two coffee dates? Well...coffee meetings. Or something. 

But then again...she’s really looking forward to getting to know the maths professor who drinks cappuccinos with sugar.

So she texts him.

_Coffee again tomorrow? xx_

His “of course” text arrives less than 20 seconds later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi to me on [Twitter!](http://twitter.com/darthswift13)


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you wish I didn’t send the letter?” he asks.
> 
> “I didn’t say that,” Rey mutters, “I’m glad you sent it.”
> 
> “You are?”
> 
> “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t. I mean, it’s certainly not ideal, and I wish you had said something sooner, but all I know is I am glad I am at this coffee shop with you today, Ben Solo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [Carina](http://twitter.com/kirasbens) for beta reading this chapter and thank you once again to the endlessly talented [Lena](http://twitter.com/bensoloswhore) for making a beautiful moodboard for this chapter!
> 
> Some important things to note with this chapter: there is a trigger warning for a reference to emotional abuse, and also for what can be seen as infidelity.
> 
> With that being said, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and be sure to leave a comment if you're enjoying this story!

The door jingles to signal Rey’s entrance to the Cornelia Street Café and Ben is there early as always, nervously fidgeting with a napkin. His face softens when he looks up sees her, and he smiles that heart-stopping smile of his. There’s something so unmistakably _different_ about him now. He seems so much calmer, so much more sure of himself. The Ben she knew back at uni was arrogant, but she knew it was just a way of compensating for deep-seated his self-loathing. There’s a difference to the way he carries himself now. He has less bravado, but there’s just a sort of quiet self-assuredness about him. 

She’s very much looking forward to getting to know _this_ Ben better. 

“Hi,” she says softly, looking up at him with a shy smile as she sits down.

“Hi,” he echoes, his voice just as soft and warm as his smile.

Just like before, Ben has already gotten an Earl Grey tea for Rey, prepared just the way she likes it with milk and sugar.

“Thank you, um, thank you for the tea.”

Ben smiles at her again and _God,_ everytime he smiles at her like _that_ she could just melt into the floor.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”

She watches as he takes a sip of his cappuccino, and she can’t help but notice once again how small the mug looks in his large hands, and all the thoughts that had tormented her yesterday, the thoughts she was shamefully having while kissing her boyfriend, come rushing back to her.

She clears her throat and sits up a little straighter, trying to banish these thoughts from her mind. 

“So, um,” she says, “I still can’t believe you quit First Order Enterprises. Snoke was going to make you CEO after you graduated with your M.B.A., right?

“Yes, he was. But I finally realized how much of an emotionally abusive scumbag Snoke was, and just how soul-sucking that whole corporate lifestyle was. And I learned pretty quickly that Hux was only interested in being friends with me for my status, and I also realized Bazine just wanted the CEO of First Order Enterprises — she didn’t actually want me, the real me,” he explains, “Not like you did,” he adds, his voice becoming softer as his eyes flick up to meet her gaze. 

* * *

**5 Years Ago**

* * *

Rey knew she didn’t have the right to be upset about the Instagram post that popped up on her feed that Saturday morning, but she still felt a sharp ache in her chest when she saw a picture of Bazine and Ben together at the First Order Enterprises corporate gala. 

She couldn’t be upset when she was the one who made it clear they weren’t serious and weren’t in a real relationship, but that wasn’t because she didn’t want to be with Ben, it was because she was _scared_. Because if she let things be real, she would have to face the possibility of losing him, of him walking away, just like everyone always did. And he always ran back to Bazine anyway. 

Rey couldn’t imagine him ever seeing her as anything more than just a friend with benefits. She knew he wouldn’t ever take her to one of those stupid galas, because she was a nobody from nowhere who would never fit in at those fancy high society events. He was _expected_ to show up with someone high-profile like international supermodel Bazine Netal. And Rey knew she would never measure up to that.

He had just texted her that he was on his way to come see her, and if he wasn’t already on his way she would have told him to forget it and not bother coming over at all.

She heard a knock at her door, and knew it must be Ben.

“Care to explain this?” she asked, holding up her phone with the Instagram post pulled up when she opened the door.

Ben sighed in irritation.

“There’s nothing to explain. I had a gala to attend and I needed a date, so I asked Bazine. And you don’t get to be mad about that when you’re the one who refuses to commit,” he pointed out icily, “What was the charming phrase you used to describe our relationship again? Ah yes, ‘fuck buddies’, wasn’t it? So yeah, you don’t get to be mad about this. You don’t get to suddenly decide you start caring about me now just because you’re jealous.”

Rey was incredulous.

“Maybe because you don’t _let_ me care about you. I try so hard to be here for you but all you do is push me away because you’re too selfish to let go of your precious high society lifestyle. I know it would be an embarrassment for you to go to an event like that with someone like me. Believe me, I get it, I know I don’t fit in with your precious bourgeois friend group. I know I’ll never be good enough for you. But you know what upsets me most of all, Ben? It’s the fact that you keep going back to her, and Armie and Snoke and that whole lot of assholes you call friends, even though they all treat you like shit.”

Ben scoffed. 

“And you don’t?”

His words felt like a knife to her heart and she couldn’t stop the tears that prickled in her eyes.

  
“Fuck. Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“The thing is though, I think you really, _really_ did,” Rey said sharply. “God, I know I have issues and I don’t always treat you as well as I should, but it’s not like you’ve been a saint to me either... _clearly_ . But to compare me to her? To fucking _Snoke?_ Jesus Christ, Ben. I know I’ve been shitty, but I don’t deserve that.”

Ben shook his head.

  
“I know you don’t, sweetheart, I’m so sorry, that just came out, and also I hope you know that I don’t think you’re beneath me or something, Rey, I never, ever meant to insinuate that, you have to know tha—”

“Please leave,” Rey said quietly, but her voice was shaking, a quiet rage bubbling beneath the surface.

“Rey, sweetheart, please, I didn’t me—”

“Ben, I said you need to leave,” she repeated, more and more fury seeping into her tone.

“Right,” he said quietly, “Okay.”

But just as he turned around to go, Rey said “Ben, _wait_.”

He froze but didn't turn back around.

“So what happened last night? What did Snoke do this time?” Rey asked.

Ben stiffened and turned around.

“What are you talking about, Rey?”

She took a deep breath. 

“Let me be clear that you don’t ever get to speak to me like that again, but I know you only act like this when he’s been particularly cruel to you.”

“It’s nothing,” he muttered.

  
“Ben.”

“I—” he sighed. “It’s not an excuse for saying that to you.”

  
“I didn’t say that it was,” Rey retorted coldy. She sighed. “I’m just worried about you.”

Ben pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, sighing.

“It’s nothing I didn’t deserve, I just...I fucked something up really badly...I was...weak, as usual. And he told me ‘this is why your mother doesn’t love you’ and I just...you know that’s a sore subject for me...”

Rey felt tears prickling in her eyes again.

“Ben,” she said softly, “You didn’t deserve that. And that’s not true, Leia _does_ love you, if she didn’t, she would be constantly trying to reach out to you and make amends—”

“No, Snoke is right. He’s always right about me. He’s known me since I was in boarding school. He was the only person who was there for me when I was a teenager. He just...he understands me, Rey.”

Rey didn’t even know how to argue with him about this anymore. How to convince him that Snoke was a gaslighting, abusive liar and that Ben deserved better. 

“And either way, I shouldn’t have said that to you,” Ben said quietly. “Can I...can I make you dinner to make up for being an absolute ass to you?”

Rey smiled. She let her hand rest on his cheek and stood up on her tiptoes to kiss his lips.

“Always.”

***

“Do you really only have pasta?” Ben asked as he shuffled through her cupboards looking for something to cook for dinner.

“You know I don’t keep fancy ingredients on hand like you do,” she replies, “But I think I have some garlic and basil if you want to try to make it a _little_ fancier.”

“That sounds perfect.”

Rey smiled at him. 

“Is it alright if I put my Taylor Swift playlist on?”

“Why do I feel like if I say no you’ll ask me to leave again?”

Rey smirked.

“You know me so well,” she told him before pushing herself up on her tiptoes and giving him a quick kiss to his lips. 

Rey picked up her phone, opened the music app, and pressed play. 

Ben groaned and rolled his eyes, but in a lighthearted, teasing sort of way.

“Oh god, not this song, it’s so annoying,” Ben muttered as “Stay Stay Stay” started playing. 

“I’d like to see you write a better song, Benjamin,” Rey countered, “This song is adorable and you’re just mean,” she added teasingly.

She tugged at his arm.

“Come here,” she said, pulling him toward her.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to dance with you, Benjamin,” she informed him with a grin. 

“Oh,” he said, returning her smile as he pulled her in by her waist with one hand and took her hand with the other and they began to sway to the upbeat melody of the song.

Ben lifted their clasped hands over her head and spun her around, making the hem of her floral printed skirt twirl, and Rey found herself giggling. 

Ben wasn’t entirely wrong—it _was_ kind of a silly song in some ways. It wasn’t a lyrical masterpiece in the way that, say, “State of Grace” was, but there was something endearing about the lighthearted and playful tone of the song. Rey wondered what it would be like to have the kind of love that inspires a song like that. 

And maybe that’s why she finds herself tearing up at the lyrics, despite their simplicity.

_“I think that it's best if we both stay.”_

She rested her head against Ben’s chest so he wouldn’t see that she was starting to cry. She closed her eyes and wondered what it would be like if someone could ever love her enough to stay.

* * *

**PRESENT DAY**

* * *

Rey finds herself blushing at the intensity of his gaze, but then she sighs.

“Then why didn’t you call me, Ben? Why didn’t you tell me all of this five years ago? Why wait until my bloody _wedding day_?”

“I assumed you didn’t want to hear from me,” he admits, “You told me I didn’t have a reason to stay.”

“I did want you to stay though,” Rey says quietly, her eyes darting to her teacup. “I was just too much of a coward to admit it. But then again, I also didn’t trust you... for obvious reasons, I think.”

“That’s fair,” Ben admits, “I was pretty shitty to you. But how do you feel now? Do you feel like you could learn to trust me?”

“I’m...I’m trying to. I want to,” Rey says finally. “But after everything you put me through in uni, the constant back and forth, it’s hard. You have to understand that. And you showing up on the day of my wedding, like, honestly, Ben, your timing couldn't have been worse.”  
  


“Do you wish I didn’t send the letter?” he asks.

“I didn’t say that,” Rey mutters, “I’m glad you sent it.”

“You are?”  
  


“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t. I mean, it’s certainly not ideal, and I wish you had said something sooner, but all I know is I am glad I am at this coffee shop with you today, Ben Solo.”

Ben smiles softly.

“The letter was my therapist’s idea, actually,” he tells her, “Well, writing it, that is, definitely not sending it. She suggested I write out a letter, but the idea was to just use it as an exercise to process my feelings. I was never supposed to actually send it to you. But once I had written it, I knew I would hate myself forever if I didn’t at least try to see if there was still a chance for us. But I know it wasn’t ideal, and I know I should have said something sooner.”

“It was your therapist’s idea? To write the letter in the first place, I mean?”

“Yeah, I’ve been seeing her for a few years. Going to therapy was my mom’s idea, actually, after I opened up to her about everything that happened with Snoke and all the resentment I still had towards her and my dad for sending me away. She thought it would help me to talk to someone, and she was right. She usually is.”

Rey smiles.

“So you finally called Leia back.”

“Yes, I did. And I am very glad I did.”

“I’m glad you did, too,” Rey says softly, and before she can think better of it, she reaches out and takes Ben’s hand. She gives it a gentle squeeze. “And I’m proud of you for going to therapy. I know that takes a lot of courage, to ask for help.”

“That means a lot to hear you say that, Rey.”

She feels him start to slowly circle his thumb on the back of her hand while she holds his gaze. She feels her breathing quicken and from the intense way he’s gazing at her, she feels like she should look away, but she can’t bring herself to.

All she can think about is his hand. The hand she had fantasized about the day before. The way it’s now intertwined with her own, the way her hand looks tiny in comparison to his. The way just the delicate feeling of him swirling his thumb against the back of her hand sends waves of electricity across every inch of her skin. 

“I think I get it now,” she starts to say, her eyes moving from their clasped hands to meet his eyes, “Being torn apart by having to choose between what’s safe, familiar, comfortable and what...what sets your soul on fire, what you can never resist no matter how hard you try because...because it’s like this magnetic force that pulls me back to you every single fucking time and— just— _God_ , Ben, you have—you have no idea what you do to me— and it _scares_ me.”

“Don’t be afraid, I feel it, too,” Ben murmurs.

And suddenly there is only one thought consuming her mind just as powerfully as it had the night they met: she wants him — _needs_ him more desperately than she’s ever needed anything in her life. 

She absolutely shouldn’t say what she’s about to say, but then again, there are a lot of things she’s been doing lately that she absolutely shouldn’t be doing.

“Poe and I still aren’t technically broken up,” she reminds him, “But...”

“But what?”

“Fuck,” Rey mutters under her breath, as she darts her eyes to the ceiling, “What am I doing?” 

Ben tilts his head in confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

Rey looks around and drops her voice to a low whisper.

“Ben, I...if you want...I...” she takes a deep breath, “Kaydel won’t be home from work for a few more hours. If you want — if you want to come home with me,” she manages breathlessly.

“Yes,” Ben replies without hesitation.

“But...like I said, Poe and I aren’t technically broken up.”

“I don’t care if you’re not broken up, Rey, I just need you, _please_ and just...if you want me to...if you’d let me—I would—”

And _oh_ how she needs him just as badly, and she _shouldn’t_ , they _can’t,_ and yet...

Her heart is racing, drumming in her ears as she gazes at him with a fierce, hungry desire.

“You would what, Ben?” she asks.

“Rey, I just,” he drops his voice so it’s barely audible, only loud enough for Rey to hear, “I need to be inside of you, I’ve needed you so badly for _five fucking years_ , I’ve never needed anyone or anything the way I need you.”

“Fuck,” Rey breathes out. She takes a moment to steady her breathing and find some way to respond to... _that._ “Then come home with me, Ben. Please.”

“What are we waiting for, then?” he murmurs. “Take me home with you, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. ["Stay Stay Stay"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlOfs4VMtBA)
> 
> Come say hi to me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/darthswift13)! :)


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ben,” she says softly, her voice barely more than a whisper as she bites back a smile, “I have _always_ loved you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for supporting this story. I appreciate every single kudos and comment more than you know! This is my first full prose fic -- I typically write Social Media AUs on Twitter, and I was honesty very nervous about writing a fic fully in prose, I wasn't sure if I could do it. So I really appreciate all your support throughout this writing process, and I hope to write more fully prose fics for Ao3 in the future. I love you all endlessly <3
> 
> This chapter will be the end of this story for now, although I may write an epilogue at some point, but I'm not sure. Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> Thank you to [Lena](http://twitter.com/bensoloswhore) for the amazing moodboard and thank you to [Carina](http://twitter.com/kirasbens) for beta reading!

Rey and Ben walk out of the coffee shop hand-in-hand. Rey relishes in the feeling of his hand intertwined with her own, and the warmth and electricity that seems to blossom from where their hands are clasped. 

Rey looks around nervously, biting her lip slightly, before looking up at him.

“Can I kiss you?” she asks nervously.

Ben sighs, his brow furrowing slightly as he pulls his hand away.

Rey feels a sudden ache in her chest. _Has he changed his mind?_

“As much as I want that more than anything in the world,” Ben starts to say, “I’m trying to be a better person and I just _—_ ” He sighs, “It’s almost impossible for me to say no to you, Rey, because you are the love of my life and I want you more than anything, but I can’t in good conscience kiss you or anything else until you’ve broken up with Poe first.”

She’s surprised to hear him say this, and it takes her a moment to figure out how to respond.

“You’re right,” Rey says finally, “It wouldn’t be fair to either of you. I can’t keep stringing you both along forever while I try to make a decision. Especially when I’ve already made my choice,” she adds, looking up at him with a shy smile. She takes a step toward him and places a hand on his chest.

“Ben,” she says softly, her voice barely more than a whisper as she bites back a smile, “I have _always_ loved you. I wanted to tell you that you had a reason to stay when you asked me the night before you left, but I was too scared to admit that I have been hopelessly in love with you from the very first night we spent together, and I’ve never stopped loving you for one minute, and I never will. I was so afraid to commit back then because you weren’t ready to be who I needed you to be, but now...” she pauses for a moment for emphasis, “I am yours, Ben Solo,” she adds breathlessly.

She can see tears glistening in Ben’s eyes.

“Do you _—_ do you mean that, sweetheart?”

“Of course I mean it,” she says fiercely. 

He chuckles slightly, his eyes darting upwards. “It is very, _very_ difficult for me not to kiss you right now.”

Rey smiles back at him. “Well, I love you all the more for your restraint, dearest,” she replies, reaching up and gently touching his cheek.

Ben closes his eyes and leans into her touch for a moment but then, as if thinking better of it, he takes her hand with both of his and pulls it away from him. 

“I’ll text you the address of my hotel and you can just meet me there after you talk to Poe, how does that sound?”

Rey nods. “Okay.”

A soft smile peeks across Ben’s face. 

“I love you so much, Rey Johnson,” he tells her, “And I can’t wait until I can kiss you.” He leans forward so his lips brush against the shell of her ear, “Among other things,” he adds, and she shivers.

“I love you, too, Ben,” she murmurs, and all she wants is to go back to his hotel room with him right this moment, to fall into bed kissing him and telling him she loves him again and again, but she knows that will have to wait. 

***

Once Ben gets a cab back to his hotel, Rey takes out her phone, but is surprised to see that Poe has already texted her.

**Poe** : We need to talk. Can you come over?

 **Rey** : Yeah, of course. I’ll be right there.

***

She feels a lump in her throat the whole Tube ride over to Poe’s place, because she knows this will hurt him. Ben coming back into her life has made her realize that while she loves and cares for Poe very much, she isn’t _in love_ with him. There’s no fire, no spark, not the way there is with Ben. And part of her has always known that, it’s the part of her that was apprehensive about marrying him in the first place, the part of her that probably would’ve run from the altar no matter what, letter or no letter.

She rehearses what she’s going to say a million times in her head, but it still doesn’t feel quite right. She feels like she’s about to lose her best friend, and she feels her own heart starting to break.

***

When Poe opens the door, he seems panicked and slightly out of breath, like he’s been pacing around. 

“Rey,” he says, his voice tinged with anxiety, “I need to talk to you.”

“It’s actually interesting that you texted me, because I need to talk to you, too,” she replies, trying to keep her voice level as she steps inside and closes the door behind her. 

“No, Rey, I _—_ ” Poe sighs and swears under his breath, avoiding eye contact as he nervously fidgets with his hands, beads of sweat gathering on his forehead.

“Is everything alri _—_?”

“I slept with Finn,” he blurts out. 

There is a tense silence as the weight of these words hang in the air.

“I’m sorry, did you just say you... _slept with Finn_?”

Now he’s starting to cry.

“Rey, I’m so sorry, you have to know I care about you so deeply and I _do_ love you, but I realized I can never love you the same way I love Finn _—_ the way I’ve always loved him, honestly, but I was just too in denial to realize until you ran away from the altar and I started rethinking everything in my life. I never thought of myself as not being straight and I just assumed my strong feelings for him were feelings of strong friendship and my strong feelings for you were romantic love, but now I realize that it’s always been the other way around. It’s just _—_ I never realized it was even an _option_ for me to like guys.”

He pauses for a minute, his eyes glued to the floor as he tries to gather his thoughts.

  
“I think part of the reason I rushed us into marriage is because I was afraid if we waited any longer more of my uncertainty about my sexuality would crop up and I just wanted to bury that and never have to face it. But I think, weirdly, you leaving that altar has been a sort of gift because it has forced me to face something I’ve been hiding from for so long. And I know I should’ve spoken to you first before I let anything happen with Finn, and I’m so, so sorry for hurting you, but I’m trying to do the right thing by telling you now.”

Rey lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Wow,” is all she can muster at first. “Sorry, it’s just a lot to take in.”

“I understand,” Poe replies, his voice tender and reassuring, and it reminds her of why she cares about him so much.

“I’m proud of you for realizing all of these things about yourself and having the courage to tell me,” Rey replies finally.

“Thank you, but aren’t you angry with me, Rey?” Poe asks, shaking his head slightly as his brows furrow in confusion. 

“I _—_ ” Rey sighs, “I haven’t been completely honest with you, either.” She takes a deep breath. “The reason I left you at the altar is because I got a letter from my university boyfriend telling me he was still in love with me. But I couldn’t just drop everything and leave you, not when you mean so much to me, and especially because he didn’t treat me as well as he should have back then. But he insisted he’s changed and I wanted to give him the chance to prove that because I knew I still had feelings for him. And he _has_ changed so much, and I was actually just about to text you so we could talk about this right before you texted me.”

“Wow,” Poe replies, taking in the onslaught of information, different expressions crossing his face as he makes sense of what she’s just told him. “Does he make you happy, Rey?” he says finally, his voice quiet.

“Yeah,” Rey says softly, a gentle smile tugging at her lips, “Yeah, he does. Does Finn make you happy, Poe?”  
  


“Happier than I’ve ever been,” he replies, and then thinks better of it, “Not that _—_ I’m not saying you didn’t make me happy, because you did, it’s just...different.”

“No, no, trust me, I get it,” Rey reassures him.

There is a long, awkward silence.

“So that’s it then, right?” Rey says finally, her voice distant. “I just...I don’t know, Poe, obviously we don’t work as a couple, but I feel like I’m losing my best friend, and I just...I just don’t want to lose you.”

“Just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, Rey,” Poe reassures her. “Come here,” he says, pulling her into an embrace that is awkward at first, but then melts into something familiar and reassuring. Like hugging an old friend. She knows they probably won’t immediately be able to revert to being friends, but she’s comforted to know that they still care about each other and that isn’t going to change.

Rey sighs as she pulls away.

“Anyway, I um, I should be going then, I guess,” Rey manages awkwardly.

“Take care of yourself Rey, I mean it,” Poe says, his eyes soft and warm as he smiles at her.  
  


“You too, Poe,” Rey echoes. 

***

When Rey gets to the Tube station she checks her phone and sees that Ben has texted her with the hotel address.

**Ben** : The hotel is located at 8 Balderton St., Brown Hart Gardens, Mayfair, London. I told the front desk you would be coming so just give them your name and they’ll give you a key. I can’t wait to see you, sweetheart.

**Rey** : I’m on my way now **❤**

***

The door makes a quiet beeping noise when she swipes the key card and the door opens, revealing Ben waiting behind it.

“Hi,” Rey says softly, gently closing the door behind her.

“Hi,” Ben echoes. 

  
She looks up at him bashfully and he takes a step toward her.

“Did everything go alright?” he asks tentatively, gingerly tucking her hair behind her ear and letting his forehead rest against hers, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it went a lot better than I thought, actually,” Rey tells him, “I think we’re going to try to still be friends, and I hope we can, because I do care about him a lot.”

  
“I hope you can too, sweetheart,” he murmurs. She wonders if she should tell him Poe is gay so he doesn’t have to worry, but she thinks better of it because she shouldn’t out Poe without his permission, and it shouldn’t matter anyway, because Ben trusts her _—_ she can tell from the certainty in his voice.

“Can I kiss you now?” Rey asks hesitantly.

  
“Yes, now you can kiss me as much as you want.”

“Oh, thank God,” she breathes out and then her lips are on his and it feels like electricity, and she lets her hands tangle in his hair as the kiss deepens into something more frenzied.

They fall back against the bed, kissing desperately with open mouths and tangled tongues and hungry hands gliding everywhere, and it’s like no time has passed, like they’re back at uni, like nothing has changed. But _oh,_ everything, _everything_ has changed and she’s never wanted him more, never been more sure that all she wants in this world is him and his hands everywhere, caressing every inch of her skin and making her his again.

“Rey,” he murmurs, “Want you so badly.”

“I know,” she replies, gently stroking his face. “I want you too. I need you. Please.”

“Let me touch you,” he croons. 

“You can touch me anywhere you want, Ben. I’m so wet for you. I need you to feel how wet I am,” she pleads, guiding his hands up her dress and into her underwear, and she whimpers as his fingertips brush along her folds.

“ _Fuck_ , you’re dripping for me, sweetheart.”

Rey moans.

“I was thinking about you yesterday. I was thinking about you when I was touching myself. I was thinking about your hands, touching me like this, about your fingers inside of me.”

Ben swears under his breath.

“I need you to make me come with your fingers, it’s all I can think about, Ben,” Rey pleads, tugging her panties down, and Ben helps her along, pulling them off the rest of the way. 

“ _Rey_ ,” he groans, and there is intensity and resolve in his dark eyes as he slides one and then two fingers inside of her and _fuck_ , it’s _everything — he_ is everything. And not just because of how perfect his fingers feel inside of her. It’s everything because she _loves_ him. She loves him so desperately and unequivocally and she wants all of him, everyday, forever. 

She moans his name as he fucks her with his fingers, and she cants her hips, rocking up against him, never breaking eye contact.

“I almost forgot how perfect you feel,” he murmurs, leaning forward and trailing kisses down her neck. “God, you’re so fucking tight, Rey. I can’t wait to be inside of you. I know your tight, wet little pussy will feel just as perfect around my cock.”

Rey whimpers.

“Fuck, Ben, I — I want — I want that too,” but now she’s so close she’s gasping for air and can barely form words. “Ben— _fuck_ —I’m so close.”

“Come for me, sweetheart. I need you to come on my fingers. Please,” he pleads, swirling his thumb on her clit and then the world stops when her orgasm crashes over her.

“Fuck,” she whimpers as she tries to catch her breath, her heartbeat drumming in her ears as she squeezes her eyes shut and grips at the sheets for a moment as aftershocks continue to course through her veins. 

Ben sits up and leans forward, his lips finding hers. She takes his face in her hands, and then slowly lets them wander downward and glide along the broad expanse of his chest. She slides her hands under his shirt, which he immediately pulls over his head and shrugs off, and he wastes no time tugging at the hem of her dress and Rey smiles as she pulls it over her head, letting her dress join his shirt on the floor.

Ben’s eyes are worshipful and adoring, awestruck as he takes in the sight of her.

“Oh, Rey...” he murmurs, letting his hands glide down the sides of her torso as he leans forward to kiss her neck, suckling at her pulse point, and she throws her head back to accommodate him. 

“You’re so beautiful, sweetheart,” he tells her. Rey reaches her hands behind her back to unclasp her bra, and once it’s unhooked, Ben eagerly pulls it off the rest of the way. 

His fingertips glide upwards across her stomach, until his large hand engulfs one of her breasts, and she moans.

“ _Ben_ —”

“ _Fuck_ , I’ve missed the sounds you make for me when I touch you,” he tells her before taking one of her breasts in his mouth and sucking at it, gazing up at her. A wolfish smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he swirls his tongue around her pebbled nipple. He doesn’t break eye contact as he moves his mouth over to her other breast to perform the same ministrations.

“Ben,” Rey groans, “I need you inside of me. Please.”

He pulls his lips away from her breast and she whimpers at the loss of contact. She watches with wide eyes as he unbuttons and unzips his jeans, leaving him only in his boxers, which he quickly tugs off. 

Rey gingerly reaches for his cock and wraps her hand around it and he gasps, lips parting slightly as he closes his eyes.

“I almost forgot how big you are, _fuck_ ,” she says as she starts pumping his cock. “Does that feel good, Ben?”

“That feels—perfect, sweetheart,” he manages, his voice coming out in ragged gasps as he closes his eyes, his lips parting slightly. “But Rey—I—I’m not going to last if you keep touching me like that.”

“Oh, sorry _—_ ” she says, pulling her hand away.

“Mmm, don’t apologize, Rey,” he says, gently pressing a kiss to her forehead before getting a condom off of the bedside table and putting it on.

She reaches out and takes his cock in her hand again and guides him toward her entrance, keeping her eyes locked on his. She gasps when she feels him sliding inside of her.

“Ben,” she whimpers, and he lets his forehead rest against hers as he entwines their hands.

“That feels—“

“I know.”

He slowly starts to move, pulling back and then thrusting back into her, his eyes tender and adoring as he holds her gaze.

“Rey, I’ve needed you so much.”

“I needed you, too.” 

He presses his lips to hers, and they both moan into the kiss, tiny, desperate sounds.

“No one has ever fucked me as perfectly as you do, Ben.”

She whimpers as he trails kisses down her neck, nibbling at her pulse point and then soothing it with his tongue.

His name pours forth from her lips again and again as he brings her closer. She wraps her legs around him, needing him closer, _deeper._

“Ben, that feels so _—_ perfect _—_ ” she whimpers, “I’m so close, Ben.”

She cries out when she feels his thumb find her clit, swirling against it, and soon her orgasm is crashing over her, the world fading away and there is only him and this moment and euphoric bliss, every nerve in her body buzzing like a livewire as she comes, crying out his name like it’s the most holy utterance her lips have ever known. He chases her orgasm with his, and she hears him moan her name into her ear, sending shockwaves of electricity down her spine. 

He rests his forehead against hers as they both try to catch their breath, and after a moment he pulls out of her.

Rey curls up beside him, resting her head on his chest and hitching one of her legs over him. He pulls her in close, holding her tight as he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

“I love you, Ben,” Rey murmurs, absentmindedly tracing patterns on his chest with her fingertips.

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

She feels him gently running his hand up and down her back.

She has laid in his arms like this countless times, but this time it feels so _different_. This time she knows he is truly hers and hers alone. This time she’s not running from her feelings, she’s relishing in them. 

She falls asleep in his arms, and knows that she is finally home.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. [The Tube](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/London_Underground)  
> Come say hi to me on [Twitter! ](http://twitter.com/darthswift13):)  
> Also, you can check out my Social Media AUs [here](https://twitter.com/darthswift13/status/1256073594976776194)<3


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